365 Days - Week 3

A quiet week on the home front. My photos this week are pretty average because they were all taken on my mobile phone. Even so, here they are!

11th of January 2014

Tonight we went to Mum and Dads for dinner. Mum gave me a new sewing box to hold all my hand sewing threads and accessories.

12th of January 2014

Tonight I got excited and decided to clean my kitchen from top to bottom. Normally this wouldn't be exciting but I decided I wanted to make pasta and it requires a large portion of clean bench space. Here it is all set up for pasta making in the AM!

13th of January 2014

Here it is! Home made Pasta. It's nothing new in our house but it was the first that i've made this year. I had a wonderful time making it with my neice.

14th of January 2014

Today I rescued some old furniture. It was sitting there all sad and headed to the dump, so I adopted both pieces for $20 and bought them home! I'm really excited about sanding them back and revamping them.

15th of January 2014

Today I was sick. Sick is really an understatement, I was bed ridden after a really horrible night. No work for me! Just lots of water and sleep.

16th of January 2014

Today I visited my doctor. Still sick! Little did I know that this would be my only outing for 4 days!

17th of January 2014

Today I started my new medication. This tiny little pack not only cost a bucket load, but only contains enough pills for 10 days! Lets hope a repeat isn't required. I might have to get a loan.

So there they are. I spent the better part of the week at home in bed sleeping and recovering. What am I grateful for? The fact that I live in a country that provided free healthcare and the fact that I have such lovely co-workers that checked in on me and we're really kind about my absence from work. It's amazing how much you take these things for granted.

Take me back

It's hard not to reconsider what you're doing with your life when you're stuck in bed for 3 days.

I've had approx 8 hours sleep, I've lost 6kgs due to my inability to eat properly and I look like I've seen a ghost. That's what anaemia and hormone deficiency does to you. It makes you sick. Add a viral infection to that and you've described the better part of my week.

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the hormone issues. The hormone deficiency is causing my uterus to strip away the blood vessels from it's wall. Painful is an understatement. Not only that, but it's a 'suck it up princess' situation because painkillers aren't an option due to their blood thinning qualities. Handy.

So while I sit and wait for the hormone supplements to take effect, I've been thinking about our journey to parenthood and also our life journey just generally. I have 3 words to sum it up - Take me back.

Take me back to the time when I was just beginning to fall head over heels in love, the feeling of being surprised with flowers or that feeling of butterflies in my tummy as I waited for his car to pull up.

Take me back to when love wasn't needing him to hold me as I cry at night and watching him try and hold back his tears because he can't do anything to help.

Take me back to the time when I went to movies, ate overpriced meals, hung out with my friends on weekends and when I was 'fun' to be around.

Take me back to before the light in me was blown out, back before the depression and anxiety took hold.

Take me back to the night he looked so worried and nervous, the night he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. The night I thought all my dreams had come true and I got even more excited about our lives together.

Take me back to I was the girl that was blissfully unaware that her happily ever after was going to be a journey that required so much more than love and desire.

Over the past year I've watched my friends and even my sister get engaged and I can't help but wish I was back at that part of my life too. I want to be back in the time where love was the driving force in everything we did.  Back when happiness was more then having a good day or celebrating an anxiety milestone.

But you can't go back can you. You can dream about it, cry about it and even write blog posts about it, but you can't time travel.  You can't take any of it back.

You can only tell him you're sorry a million times.

An open letter to Baby Schneider...

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. When I was a child I played with dolls and imagined what it would be life if it were a real baby, how would I look after it? Could I teach it to draw and sing?

As I grew up I thought about getting married, raising a family and sending my children to school. What kind of mum would I be? What kind of sports would my kids play? Would they be girls, boys or one of each? 

When I met your dad I thought about what kind of family we would have, what kind of parents we would be. Would I be the good cop or the bad cop? Would he bath you when he came home from work? What kind of dad would he be? How much would our lives change?

It wasn't long before your Aunt and Uncles started having babies and I would look at my little nieces and nephews, your cousins, and wondered how similar they would be to you. One of each of their parents were your dad's siblings, so would some of their features be the same as yours? Would you look more like me or more like daddy? 

Now as I watch your cousins grow older, I wonder about you. When are you going to arrive? How long will I have to wait? Are you even within our reach? What if you're just a dream and not a reality?

Are you a natural figment of my imagination or an omnipresent manifestation of my desire? Are you singular or plural? Are you a representation of one child or all our future children?

The more I think about you, the more I wonder if pushing for you is the right thing to do. If you aren't meant to be, is it fair for me to force you into existence? If nature says no, is it right for science say yes? Should we pay to have you made in a petri dish? Should you be stored in a freezer for future use? Should you be discarded if you aren't quite right? 

Are you a baby that is supposed to be born to another woman but raised by us? Are you waiting for us now? Do you already exist? Are you in another country? Should we be focusing on finding you via adoption? Is that our journey? Is that how daddy and I will find you?

Am I supposed to use my maternal nature to look after children who's parents can't? Am I supposed to be a part time mum, looking after children for periods of time? Are you a foster child?

Is it possible that I'm only supposed to look after children that belong to someone else while they're at work? Am I supposed to teach children instead? Am I supposed to jump into a career that benefits children and parents? Am I supposed to be a paediatric nurse, a midwife or a fertility councillor? Are you actually a representation of all the children in the world that need help?

I don't know where or what you are, but at this point in my life I've got too many questions and I can't think clearly.

Sometimes I cry because I want you so badly and other times I cry because I'm afraid of creating you. 

It's a mess. I'm a mess.

365 Days - Week 2

This week wasn't the most exciting week, but it was generally a good one. My favourite day was January 9th with January 8th being a close second. So here it is, the week that was;

4th of January 2014

Today I was simply thankful to come home and go to sleep. This is my favourite place, the place I dream, the place I rest and the place I escape.

5th of January 2014

We took down all the Christmas decorations today. It's always bittersweet but I did happen to find a new place for my lamp. I really love it and it bugs me that I kept it in storage for so long.

6th of January 2014

It rained all day today. It wasn't wet enough to keep my sister and I from going to the movies though! 

7th of January 2014

9 years ago on this day, my husband and I went on our first date. We celebrated our dateaversary today. Agreeing to go out with him has been one of the best decision I've ever made.

8th of January 2014

My husband started teaching me how to play the Keyboard/Piano this week. Today I finally got through 'You are my sunshine' without making a mistake. For someone with no musical talent, I'm proud of myself.

9th of January 2014

The smell of Indian food was too tempting today, so we spent 20 minutes sitting on the grass while we waited for our order. We witnessed hundreds of Rainbow Lorikeets fly above our heads and into the trees around us. It was really beautiful.

10th of January 2014

Today I had a huge headache, so it was literally a work to bed day. It would be unprofessional to photograph my work, but here is a partial shot of some house plans I was looking at today. Boring to most, but something I see at least 3 days a week. 

I think it's important to recognise that not every day is eventful and exciting (Cough... January 10…) but the things that you do every day make up a large part of who you are. It's good to reflect on the "boring" things every once in a while.

Mixing things up

Today I took a leap and booked an appointment with a doctor and a practitioner that specialise in a health science that would probably be considered an "Alternative Therapy" by most people.

Why?

To put it simply, I'm tired of being told that my PCOS is the reason that my cycles are messed up, that contraceptive pills are the answer to every issue I have relating to my cycles and most of all I don't want to take medications with crazy side effects or pump synthetic hormones into my body if there is a natural option.

The idea of being able to get up every day and know that I am playing an active role in my reproductive health is really appealing.

What is it exactly?

The health science mentioned is NaPro (Natural Procreative) Technology, a new womans health science that came into existence after years of research via the Creighton Model Fertilitycare system.

How does it work? 

The Creighton model initially made me think of natural contraceptive methods such as Billings, which generally includes charting ovulation and menstrual cycles to prevent pregnancy. I was wrong. While it is based on charting it's not only used to prevent or encourage pregnancy, it's also able to be used as an indicator of general gynaecological health. With the assistance of standardised observations, biological markers and guidance from a practitioner and specialist doctor, a woman is taught how to collate and interpret data that can effectively provide information about what is going on within her body.

So wether you're trying to conceive, wanting to prevent pregnancy naturally or you simply want to learn more about your reproductive/gynaecological health, this system could work for you.

How can this help in my situation?

This technology can hopefully help me get some answers about what exactly is going on within my body. The information that I will learn to collate will help monitor my menstrual cycles and can provide medical and surgical treatment options that work with my body and it's natural cycle.

Honestly, my hope is that we might be able to find a way to either remove the need for IVF or at the very least, find the best way to create a naturally balanced body to promote a healthy pregnancy. I figure there is no reason not to try.

If this sounds like something you might be interested in learning more about, send me an email at straightoutsteph@gmail.com and I can put you in contact with a practitioner that can provide you with further information and answer any questions.

Logo sourced via Google.

Pussy Cat Pussy Cat where have you been?

Well I haven't been to London to visit the queen, but I did get to experience something a lot more interesting.

I love when people say that something is interesting, it makes it hard to judge whether it's something good, something bad or something average yet worth noting. Well, my interesting experience is as follows;

On the 19th of November I went for a scan to see if there were any cysts and to generally check out what was going on in the baby factory so that we could decide what our next step was in regards to assisted fertility. I felt good about it initially and the lady that did the scan was nice and chatty until about half way through. I watched her face go really stern and she stopped talking. I was freaked out! She got up and told me that she would be back shortly and left the room, at that point I was about ready to burst into tears. She returned with a different attachment for the ultrasound wand and continued the scan with a deadpan look on her face. At the end of the scan she asked when I was going back to the doctor and suggested that I do it as soon as possible. I almost ran out of there and went to sit in my car and cry.

I went to my doctor 2 days later to find out the results of my scan, I was really nervous but felt a little comforted by the fact that the doctor hadn't called me the previous day. I went in, had a chat and my doctor read the report. She looked at my images and said that while there was no cause for alarm right now, things didn't look as they should and that it would be best if I went for an internal scan to get a better look. She showed me the images of my ovaries and pointed to the fact that the one on the left was over twice the size it should be, misshapen and rather dense. She gave me a few options about what it might be but told me that there was no way to be sure until the next scan. She was very kind and rang the radiology clinic to get me an appointment the following Monday.

Monday came and went. The radiology clinic messed up and I had to rebook it for December 3rd. I rang my doctor but she wasn't able to get me in any earlier. I had to wait.

While driving to my scan I felt sick. It had been 2 weeks since my initial scan and still there were no answers, just an oversize ovary and the words of a concerned doctor. The scan went well and the technician was chatty and friendly the whole time, no look of concern or doom. Once we were finished, I asked him if everything was ok, of course he just told me to see my doctor. I asked him again and when he saw that I was about to cry he asked why I was so worried. I told him that I was concerned that with everything else going on, this might be the final thing that determines whether or not I was ever going to be a mother. He looked me in the eyes, smiled and said 'I don't see any reason you couldn't be a mother some day.' I said thank you and said goodbye. Those 12 words made me feel on top of the world. I called my husband and then went to tell my parents the good news.

You see, the first technician was concerned that she had discovered indicators of Ovarian Cancer. My doctor was concerned that my test results and scans indicated Ovarian Cancer. Consequently, my husband, parents, friends and I all became concerned that I may soon be diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and it was the a crazy long 2 weeks for all of us.

I initially took a break to focus on getting all my tests and stuff organised so we could start making progress towards IVF. After my interesting experience, I decided that I just wanted to enjoy the rest of the year and that the fertility testing could wait until 2014. So that's what we did. We pushed it all aside.

Looking back, I'm glad that it happened. It was scary, but it really helped me put my life into perspective. I just hope I never have to experience something like that again.

So there it is. What I did while I was away.

2014 - 365 days to smile

Well I'm glad that's over. I've missed you. What a crazy few weeks it's been but I'm here again and I'm much better than I was last year. Progress is progress so positive news all round.

Now, being a new year I've decided that instead of making promises about "New Year, New Me" I'm going to make a promise to make the next 365 days count. Interested? You should be!

For the next 365 days I'm going to take a photo every. single. day. - It's not going to be of anything particular, just something I find interesting or inspiring. I'm going to upload them every Friday night for you to see and I encourage you to do it too! But why? Why would I do this? Well, I've got 2 words for you - Blessings Project.

So what is a "Blessings Project"? It's a way to simply find the good in the everyday. It's a way to smell the roses whilst providing yourself the opportunity to keep photographic evidence of what makes you're life so wonderful on a day to day basis. At the end of the year I intend on creating a photo book of the year that was. Just a nice way to remind my future self that everyday is a chance to appreciate life.

I first saw this concept on Facebook via The lovely and talented Emma of E.K.Mcleod Photography. Emma has not only captured images of me and some of my friends, she has inspired me and is also doing a Blessings Project of her own. You can see her project here: Linkity Link Link. 

The concept of this project has really resonated with me. As a person who deals with Depression and Anxiety on a daily basis, I feel that this will provide me with an opportunity to find positive thoughts and/or feelings about my life every single day of the year. It's a chance to be able to collate my year in images and will enable me to look back and see that every day counts. With the preparations for IVF in full swing, it may also serve as a unique and interesting way to document one of the most important and significant events in my life. The creation of our baby!

I'm very excited about this project. So here is week 1!

1st January 2014

I thought I'd feel different today, a bit like a  birthday I guess. I thought I'd wake up and look in the mirror and see a woman staring back at me that was a little older and a little wiser. Instead I saw my young self. The girl with the looks of a teenager the wisdom of an old soul and grey hairs of a woman who feels older then her 23 years.

2nd of January 2014

Today I sat in a food court for the first time in over 8 months and actually ate a meal.  It doesn't sound particularly amazing but for me it was a huge milestone. It was a step closer to feeling normal again and even though I was tense and left with a huge headache, I didn't try and escape. I sat, I ate and I survived.

3rd of January 2014

 Today I looked in the Mirror and really started to see the difference in my body. I've lost 10 kgs  so far and plan to continue. I don't want to lose weight for anyone or anything in particular, I just want to do it for me. I have no pressure or expectation of myself. Just a renewed awareness of what is going into my body and the role it plays on how it makes my body function. If I feed my body what it needs, it'll hopefully co-operate when we try and pump it full of drugs to help create a baby. It's as simple as that.

So there they are. My first few days of 2014 in pictures. I hope you like them! I'll be back tomorrow to talk about my absence! We have a lot of catch up on.