365 Days - Week 3

A quiet week on the home front. My photos this week are pretty average because they were all taken on my mobile phone. Even so, here they are!

11th of January 2014

Tonight we went to Mum and Dads for dinner. Mum gave me a new sewing box to hold all my hand sewing threads and accessories.

12th of January 2014

Tonight I got excited and decided to clean my kitchen from top to bottom. Normally this wouldn't be exciting but I decided I wanted to make pasta and it requires a large portion of clean bench space. Here it is all set up for pasta making in the AM!

13th of January 2014

Here it is! Home made Pasta. It's nothing new in our house but it was the first that i've made this year. I had a wonderful time making it with my neice.

14th of January 2014

Today I rescued some old furniture. It was sitting there all sad and headed to the dump, so I adopted both pieces for $20 and bought them home! I'm really excited about sanding them back and revamping them.

15th of January 2014

Today I was sick. Sick is really an understatement, I was bed ridden after a really horrible night. No work for me! Just lots of water and sleep.

16th of January 2014

Today I visited my doctor. Still sick! Little did I know that this would be my only outing for 4 days!

17th of January 2014

Today I started my new medication. This tiny little pack not only cost a bucket load, but only contains enough pills for 10 days! Lets hope a repeat isn't required. I might have to get a loan.

So there they are. I spent the better part of the week at home in bed sleeping and recovering. What am I grateful for? The fact that I live in a country that provided free healthcare and the fact that I have such lovely co-workers that checked in on me and we're really kind about my absence from work. It's amazing how much you take these things for granted.

Take me back

It's hard not to reconsider what you're doing with your life when you're stuck in bed for 3 days.

I've had approx 8 hours sleep, I've lost 6kgs due to my inability to eat properly and I look like I've seen a ghost. That's what anaemia and hormone deficiency does to you. It makes you sick. Add a viral infection to that and you've described the better part of my week.

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the hormone issues. The hormone deficiency is causing my uterus to strip away the blood vessels from it's wall. Painful is an understatement. Not only that, but it's a 'suck it up princess' situation because painkillers aren't an option due to their blood thinning qualities. Handy.

So while I sit and wait for the hormone supplements to take effect, I've been thinking about our journey to parenthood and also our life journey just generally. I have 3 words to sum it up - Take me back.

Take me back to the time when I was just beginning to fall head over heels in love, the feeling of being surprised with flowers or that feeling of butterflies in my tummy as I waited for his car to pull up.

Take me back to when love wasn't needing him to hold me as I cry at night and watching him try and hold back his tears because he can't do anything to help.

Take me back to the time when I went to movies, ate overpriced meals, hung out with my friends on weekends and when I was 'fun' to be around.

Take me back to before the light in me was blown out, back before the depression and anxiety took hold.

Take me back to the night he looked so worried and nervous, the night he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. The night I thought all my dreams had come true and I got even more excited about our lives together.

Take me back to I was the girl that was blissfully unaware that her happily ever after was going to be a journey that required so much more than love and desire.

Over the past year I've watched my friends and even my sister get engaged and I can't help but wish I was back at that part of my life too. I want to be back in the time where love was the driving force in everything we did.  Back when happiness was more then having a good day or celebrating an anxiety milestone.

But you can't go back can you. You can dream about it, cry about it and even write blog posts about it, but you can't time travel.  You can't take any of it back.

You can only tell him you're sorry a million times.

An open letter to Baby Schneider...

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. When I was a child I played with dolls and imagined what it would be life if it were a real baby, how would I look after it? Could I teach it to draw and sing?

As I grew up I thought about getting married, raising a family and sending my children to school. What kind of mum would I be? What kind of sports would my kids play? Would they be girls, boys or one of each? 

When I met your dad I thought about what kind of family we would have, what kind of parents we would be. Would I be the good cop or the bad cop? Would he bath you when he came home from work? What kind of dad would he be? How much would our lives change?

It wasn't long before your Aunt and Uncles started having babies and I would look at my little nieces and nephews, your cousins, and wondered how similar they would be to you. One of each of their parents were your dad's siblings, so would some of their features be the same as yours? Would you look more like me or more like daddy? 

Now as I watch your cousins grow older, I wonder about you. When are you going to arrive? How long will I have to wait? Are you even within our reach? What if you're just a dream and not a reality?

Are you a natural figment of my imagination or an omnipresent manifestation of my desire? Are you singular or plural? Are you a representation of one child or all our future children?

The more I think about you, the more I wonder if pushing for you is the right thing to do. If you aren't meant to be, is it fair for me to force you into existence? If nature says no, is it right for science say yes? Should we pay to have you made in a petri dish? Should you be stored in a freezer for future use? Should you be discarded if you aren't quite right? 

Are you a baby that is supposed to be born to another woman but raised by us? Are you waiting for us now? Do you already exist? Are you in another country? Should we be focusing on finding you via adoption? Is that our journey? Is that how daddy and I will find you?

Am I supposed to use my maternal nature to look after children who's parents can't? Am I supposed to be a part time mum, looking after children for periods of time? Are you a foster child?

Is it possible that I'm only supposed to look after children that belong to someone else while they're at work? Am I supposed to teach children instead? Am I supposed to jump into a career that benefits children and parents? Am I supposed to be a paediatric nurse, a midwife or a fertility councillor? Are you actually a representation of all the children in the world that need help?

I don't know where or what you are, but at this point in my life I've got too many questions and I can't think clearly.

Sometimes I cry because I want you so badly and other times I cry because I'm afraid of creating you. 

It's a mess. I'm a mess.

365 Days - Week 2

This week wasn't the most exciting week, but it was generally a good one. My favourite day was January 9th with January 8th being a close second. So here it is, the week that was;

4th of January 2014

Today I was simply thankful to come home and go to sleep. This is my favourite place, the place I dream, the place I rest and the place I escape.

5th of January 2014

We took down all the Christmas decorations today. It's always bittersweet but I did happen to find a new place for my lamp. I really love it and it bugs me that I kept it in storage for so long.

6th of January 2014

It rained all day today. It wasn't wet enough to keep my sister and I from going to the movies though! 

7th of January 2014

9 years ago on this day, my husband and I went on our first date. We celebrated our dateaversary today. Agreeing to go out with him has been one of the best decision I've ever made.

8th of January 2014

My husband started teaching me how to play the Keyboard/Piano this week. Today I finally got through 'You are my sunshine' without making a mistake. For someone with no musical talent, I'm proud of myself.

9th of January 2014

The smell of Indian food was too tempting today, so we spent 20 minutes sitting on the grass while we waited for our order. We witnessed hundreds of Rainbow Lorikeets fly above our heads and into the trees around us. It was really beautiful.

10th of January 2014

Today I had a huge headache, so it was literally a work to bed day. It would be unprofessional to photograph my work, but here is a partial shot of some house plans I was looking at today. Boring to most, but something I see at least 3 days a week. 

I think it's important to recognise that not every day is eventful and exciting (Cough... January 10…) but the things that you do every day make up a large part of who you are. It's good to reflect on the "boring" things every once in a while.

Mixing things up

Today I took a leap and booked an appointment with a doctor and a practitioner that specialise in a health science that would probably be considered an "Alternative Therapy" by most people.

Why?

To put it simply, I'm tired of being told that my PCOS is the reason that my cycles are messed up, that contraceptive pills are the answer to every issue I have relating to my cycles and most of all I don't want to take medications with crazy side effects or pump synthetic hormones into my body if there is a natural option.

The idea of being able to get up every day and know that I am playing an active role in my reproductive health is really appealing.

What is it exactly?

The health science mentioned is NaPro (Natural Procreative) Technology, a new womans health science that came into existence after years of research via the Creighton Model Fertilitycare system.

How does it work? 

The Creighton model initially made me think of natural contraceptive methods such as Billings, which generally includes charting ovulation and menstrual cycles to prevent pregnancy. I was wrong. While it is based on charting it's not only used to prevent or encourage pregnancy, it's also able to be used as an indicator of general gynaecological health. With the assistance of standardised observations, biological markers and guidance from a practitioner and specialist doctor, a woman is taught how to collate and interpret data that can effectively provide information about what is going on within her body.

So wether you're trying to conceive, wanting to prevent pregnancy naturally or you simply want to learn more about your reproductive/gynaecological health, this system could work for you.

How can this help in my situation?

This technology can hopefully help me get some answers about what exactly is going on within my body. The information that I will learn to collate will help monitor my menstrual cycles and can provide medical and surgical treatment options that work with my body and it's natural cycle.

Honestly, my hope is that we might be able to find a way to either remove the need for IVF or at the very least, find the best way to create a naturally balanced body to promote a healthy pregnancy. I figure there is no reason not to try.

If this sounds like something you might be interested in learning more about, send me an email at straightoutsteph@gmail.com and I can put you in contact with a practitioner that can provide you with further information and answer any questions.

Logo sourced via Google.

Pussy Cat Pussy Cat where have you been?

Well I haven't been to London to visit the queen, but I did get to experience something a lot more interesting.

I love when people say that something is interesting, it makes it hard to judge whether it's something good, something bad or something average yet worth noting. Well, my interesting experience is as follows;

On the 19th of November I went for a scan to see if there were any cysts and to generally check out what was going on in the baby factory so that we could decide what our next step was in regards to assisted fertility. I felt good about it initially and the lady that did the scan was nice and chatty until about half way through. I watched her face go really stern and she stopped talking. I was freaked out! She got up and told me that she would be back shortly and left the room, at that point I was about ready to burst into tears. She returned with a different attachment for the ultrasound wand and continued the scan with a deadpan look on her face. At the end of the scan she asked when I was going back to the doctor and suggested that I do it as soon as possible. I almost ran out of there and went to sit in my car and cry.

I went to my doctor 2 days later to find out the results of my scan, I was really nervous but felt a little comforted by the fact that the doctor hadn't called me the previous day. I went in, had a chat and my doctor read the report. She looked at my images and said that while there was no cause for alarm right now, things didn't look as they should and that it would be best if I went for an internal scan to get a better look. She showed me the images of my ovaries and pointed to the fact that the one on the left was over twice the size it should be, misshapen and rather dense. She gave me a few options about what it might be but told me that there was no way to be sure until the next scan. She was very kind and rang the radiology clinic to get me an appointment the following Monday.

Monday came and went. The radiology clinic messed up and I had to rebook it for December 3rd. I rang my doctor but she wasn't able to get me in any earlier. I had to wait.

While driving to my scan I felt sick. It had been 2 weeks since my initial scan and still there were no answers, just an oversize ovary and the words of a concerned doctor. The scan went well and the technician was chatty and friendly the whole time, no look of concern or doom. Once we were finished, I asked him if everything was ok, of course he just told me to see my doctor. I asked him again and when he saw that I was about to cry he asked why I was so worried. I told him that I was concerned that with everything else going on, this might be the final thing that determines whether or not I was ever going to be a mother. He looked me in the eyes, smiled and said 'I don't see any reason you couldn't be a mother some day.' I said thank you and said goodbye. Those 12 words made me feel on top of the world. I called my husband and then went to tell my parents the good news.

You see, the first technician was concerned that she had discovered indicators of Ovarian Cancer. My doctor was concerned that my test results and scans indicated Ovarian Cancer. Consequently, my husband, parents, friends and I all became concerned that I may soon be diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and it was the a crazy long 2 weeks for all of us.

I initially took a break to focus on getting all my tests and stuff organised so we could start making progress towards IVF. After my interesting experience, I decided that I just wanted to enjoy the rest of the year and that the fertility testing could wait until 2014. So that's what we did. We pushed it all aside.

Looking back, I'm glad that it happened. It was scary, but it really helped me put my life into perspective. I just hope I never have to experience something like that again.

So there it is. What I did while I was away.

2014 - 365 days to smile

Well I'm glad that's over. I've missed you. What a crazy few weeks it's been but I'm here again and I'm much better than I was last year. Progress is progress so positive news all round.

Now, being a new year I've decided that instead of making promises about "New Year, New Me" I'm going to make a promise to make the next 365 days count. Interested? You should be!

For the next 365 days I'm going to take a photo every. single. day. - It's not going to be of anything particular, just something I find interesting or inspiring. I'm going to upload them every Friday night for you to see and I encourage you to do it too! But why? Why would I do this? Well, I've got 2 words for you - Blessings Project.

So what is a "Blessings Project"? It's a way to simply find the good in the everyday. It's a way to smell the roses whilst providing yourself the opportunity to keep photographic evidence of what makes you're life so wonderful on a day to day basis. At the end of the year I intend on creating a photo book of the year that was. Just a nice way to remind my future self that everyday is a chance to appreciate life.

I first saw this concept on Facebook via The lovely and talented Emma of E.K.Mcleod Photography. Emma has not only captured images of me and some of my friends, she has inspired me and is also doing a Blessings Project of her own. You can see her project here: Linkity Link Link. 

The concept of this project has really resonated with me. As a person who deals with Depression and Anxiety on a daily basis, I feel that this will provide me with an opportunity to find positive thoughts and/or feelings about my life every single day of the year. It's a chance to be able to collate my year in images and will enable me to look back and see that every day counts. With the preparations for IVF in full swing, it may also serve as a unique and interesting way to document one of the most important and significant events in my life. The creation of our baby!

I'm very excited about this project. So here is week 1!

1st January 2014

I thought I'd feel different today, a bit like a  birthday I guess. I thought I'd wake up and look in the mirror and see a woman staring back at me that was a little older and a little wiser. Instead I saw my young self. The girl with the looks of a teenager the wisdom of an old soul and grey hairs of a woman who feels older then her 23 years.

2nd of January 2014

Today I sat in a food court for the first time in over 8 months and actually ate a meal.  It doesn't sound particularly amazing but for me it was a huge milestone. It was a step closer to feeling normal again and even though I was tense and left with a huge headache, I didn't try and escape. I sat, I ate and I survived.

3rd of January 2014

 Today I looked in the Mirror and really started to see the difference in my body. I've lost 10 kgs  so far and plan to continue. I don't want to lose weight for anyone or anything in particular, I just want to do it for me. I have no pressure or expectation of myself. Just a renewed awareness of what is going into my body and the role it plays on how it makes my body function. If I feed my body what it needs, it'll hopefully co-operate when we try and pump it full of drugs to help create a baby. It's as simple as that.

So there they are. My first few days of 2014 in pictures. I hope you like them! I'll be back tomorrow to talk about my absence! We have a lot of catch up on.

Like a puzzle

The past week has left me tired and emotional. Every so often I feel like everything is a but too much all at once. The days drag out and the nights pass by in a flash. I can't sleep, I don't eat and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

This week is one of those weeks. I feel like no matter what I do, I just can't do anything right. I can't make my body function correctly, I can't be the wife my husband deserves, I can't be the friend my friends expect me to be, I can't be the coworker my team needs me to be and I can't find a balance. Everything just seems upside down and back to front.

It's not "I can't" forever, it's just "I can't" right now. At this point in my life I can't be the person who always sees the positive, I can't be the friend I used to be, I can't be the woman my husband fell in love with... and it hurts. It eats at me and I feel like a failure.

My strength is gone. The ability to plaster on a smile has faded and my eyes feel heavy. I need to recharge. I need to escape from expectation, but most of all i need the people in my life to understand that this isn't me. This isn't the real me.

I want to rewind time and be back at the place in my life where life was fun and I loved being me. Where I could hang out with my friends all night and go on dates with my husband without worrying about when my anxiety was going to kick in. I miss myself. I miss the girl I was.

I don't want to sit in bed and cry because I don't like who I've become. I don't want to be this person, the person who knows they are so much better then who they are right now.

I'm at a low point. I can feel myself withdrawing and it makes me feel guilty. I feel like it's unfair on everyone else but they don't seem to see how much it effects me. How much it hurts me to be the way I am and the pressure I put on myself to try and make this easier for them. I'm trying so hard to get back to normal and I can't. Not right now.

I can't understand what's wrong with me and thats incredibly frustrating because it means that I don't know how to fix myself.

I feel like a puzzle with a piece missing. You can see the whole image but the missing piece annoys you. If only you could find the missing piece, the puzzle would be so beautiful if it was complete. The way you remember it. The way it's supposed to be. The way everyone expects it to be.

I want to be this person. I wish it was as easy as deciding that as of tomorrow I'm going to be better and everything will just disappear. I've tried, believe me I've tried.

So for today, I just feel tired and emotional. But tomorrow I'm just going to have to try again. And the next day I'll try again. One day at a time until things get better, no matter how long that takes.

The ugly line

All to often you hear girls talking about what they hate about themselves, they talk about everything from chunky toes to wobbly tummies. The advice that is given to them is to learn to love every inch of their external selves, to embrace the differences and forget about being skinny and focus on being healthy.

I personally don't care about my chubby thighs or pudgy fingers, the part of my body that I hate the most is the large jagged scar that runs from the bottom of my belly button to just below my hip line. It's something I can't change, something I can't remove and oddly enough, something that essentially saved my life.

That's the thing with most surgery, they don't do it if they don't have to. Without the ugly line on my tummy, I would have eventually had a 3kg cyst burst around my vital organs. If I could pick a way to leave the earth, a giant cyst rupturing inside me wouldn't make the list.

So, why do I hate it so much?

I hate looking at my stomach because it's a constant reminder of my internal imperfection. It's there every day and when I look at it I just feel angry. If it wasn't there, my life would be different. I'd have a full set of reproductive organs and maybe I'd have a family already.

But it's there because it has to be.

My doctor got up me when I complained about it.  She said that although it makes things harder it's better than not existing, which was the alternative. She's a lovely lady who had twins via IVF due to similar circumstances to my own. She's incredibly positive and exactly what I need right now.

Tomorrow I have to get yet another blood test, show yet another doctor my scar, explain my story again and get another scan to try and find out what's hiding underneath. Worst case scenario, we'll need to add another scar. Best case, it's just 1 hour and 20 minutes of my time spent.

Learning to love part of yourself is hard. Learning to love something that symbolises what you see as a major flaw is harder.

I needed a break

What a difference a little time makes! When I posted my last post I was pretty much at rock bottom, but a few weeks have passed and I'm feeling much better.

There were a number of people that offered support and advice about our situation which was really lovely. One text message and a call to medicare later, it appears that we've got another option as far as IVF funding is concerned. We have to jump through a few hoops but we're back on track with having it as a viable option! It's pretty much the best news that we could ever have received.

Our private health care provider handled our situation terribly. The information they provided was not only incorrect but also delivered in a really insensitive way. It's safe to say that we have cancelled our policy and will never have to deal with them again. A formal complaint has been lodged and hopefully someone will get reprimanded. I can't help but wonder just how many other couples have been fed the same information. It makes me really angry to think that there may be others under the impression that their options are limited when in reality they aren't.

So, tomorrow I have another appointment with my doctor. Hopefully we'll get a little more information, a scan referral to check on how things are going physically and a referral to the endocrinologist to see how my hormones levels are going and tweak them a little. Hopefully we'll be able to see a noticeable difference from last time and if all goes well I'll also be able to finally start some anxiety medication which will, with any luck, help me get my emotions back under control.

Our fertility journey has been a weird one, it's had it's up and downs and although we don't have a baby in our arms just yet, I choose to believe that we're making progress every day. It's hard to "let it go" and "move on" with our lives, but we have to. We don't have to forget what we want and we don't have to give up, we just have to find a better way to pass the time. I struggle with that a little. 

I feel like putting this whole journey aside is just like giving up, but it can't be because I'll never forget about my dreams of parenthood. I just need to pursue something different for a while to let my heart heal. Allowing myself to heal isn't giving up, it's letting myself get stronger and find emotionally healthy ways to fight harder. To prepare myself for what will be in the future, for things that I don't know now. Every day is different, every day the game can change. 

I need to be happy, healthy and ready to give it all that I can. I want so hard to believe that I'm ready, but in all honesty, I'm not. I'm not ready for the next part of our journey, so we have to postpone the trip. Not cancel it, just postpone it. When Schneider Airways is ready to fly again, we'll board the plane, but while it's down for maintenance we'll just have to change our plans a little and enjoy where we are right now.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is not think. Not wonder. Not imagine. Not obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.

Sometimes the bright side is hard to find.

If I had to explain my experience with infertility, it would be as follows;

Infertility is very much like living in a constant state of heartbreak. It's like being so totally and utterly in love with someone you've only dreamt of and then being told that you can never meet them. 

Every where I go, there is a Mum feeding her baby or a Dad pushing a stroller or a Grandmother trying to wrangle a toddler. Every time I log onto a computer I see pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and photos of children everywhere. Every time I read a magazine there is a story about some celebrity and their child. Every news program I watch talks about families. Every where I look, there is a some kind of reminder of something that I'm struggling to achieve. 

Infertility is something I can't ever escape. Nothing will ever be able to satisfy my want for my own biological child. I want to be able to look into my child's eyes and know that it's here because I loved his or her daddy so much that I wanted to be connected to him forever.

The hardest part for me is the constant jealousy. I don't hate people that have children, nor would I ever begrudge them their families because honestly, I would never wish infertility on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. But when I see the love between a parent and child it makes my heart ache.

Children have this way of seeing past their parents flaws and loving them anyway. Some parents are awful, some can barely provide food and clothing and others appear to verbally abuse their children. Yet their children love them anyway. 

Thats the worst part, the love. Because as a person going through infertility, I have all this love in my heart and the thought of never being able to cuddle or tell our baby that I love it is often unbearable. 

I see how much love children bring to their families. Not just their parents but their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins ect. It's really hard to cope with the fact that I'm not able to provide that to my family. I can't make my mother a grandmother and I can't make my sister an aunt. I mourn the fact that I won't be able to pass on the things I love about being a sister and an aunt onto my child. It may just end with me. I may be the last link in my chain.

I'm not mad that other people are happy, I just don't know if I'm ever going to be able to be that happy and it breaks my heart. I don't know how I'm going to mend it and find happiness outside parenthood when it's all I've ever wanted.

I've waited patiently for so long and I'm emotionally exhausted. It's a constant hurt and ache that just won't go away. It's relentless. I try so hard to be strong but it's like carrying a rock around and not knowing if you're ever going to be able to put it down.

I know that a lot of people will start asking me about other options. What about adoption? What about foster care?  What about IVF?

We've considered them all and while I won't go into detail right now, the biggest factor relating to all of them is that they all require huge amounts of money that we just don't have. 

IVF was an option until Friday last week when I was informed that our private health fund wouldn't cover any of it because they deem my situation as pre-existing.

So there it is. I'm heartbroken. Completely and utterly heartbroken.

The past few days I've struggled to hold in the tears. I know life goes on and I know that the future is uncertain. I have hope that our prayers will be answered eventually, it might take 5 years, it might take longer. But I will never give up hope that we'll welcome Baby Schneider into our arms one day.

Until then, we're going to try and pick ourselves up and concentrate on building a life without children. I have no doubt that it's going to be difficult but I really don't know what else to do. 

We're still going to go see another fertility specialist in January and see if there is any form of natural or trial treatment available for us and our particular circumstance. If eating weird things and dancing naked in the moonlight had even a slight chance of working, I'll do it. 

I was born to be a mother and I won't go down without a fight.

What heartbreak looks like. - This is so much more than words.

Some days are more difficult than others.

This afternoon was really difficult, for hours I sorted through all the baby things that we've accumulated over the past 3 years. Until today everything has been stored in large bags, so every year I sort through it to ensure that everything is still clean and that there are no issues with bugs or any other nasties.

Honestly, It's hard every year. I don't know why I expected it to be easier this year but I did. 4 items caught my attention today and I can't help but feel a bit emotional about all of it. 

When Phil & I first started talking seriously about having a baby, we were so excited and decided to mark the occasion by buying something that we would pass on to our baby once he or she arrived. On September 19th, 2010 we bought an orange octopus that plays different sounds when you squeeze It's legs. Over the years we've bought numerous items and nursery accessories to fit a sea theme in order to centre around the octopus. We had big dreams but we've got empty arms.

A year passed and still no baby. It was ok because we were newlyweds and my dress wouldn't have been suitable for a bump anyway. On our honeymoon we bought a rainbow pram blanket from the Salamanca Markets in Hobart, Tasmania. It was the start of our new lives together and we were getting ready to move out of my parents house. Things were looking up and we thought that maybe 2012 would be the year we finally had our baby. 

Another year passed and still no baby. When the opportunity came up, I couldn't help myself and I bought a NSW State of Origin nappy. Sadly, parenthood wasn't on the cards for us that year.

Yet another year passed and again, no baby. We did buy a cute little shirt that year though. The shirt says "Does not compute" and as soon as we saw it we knew we had to have it. Phil's life is computers so it just seemed perfect.

We are now in our 4th year and won't be buying anything for Baby Schneider because this year I'm working really hard at letting it go and accepting that maybe parenthood isn't in our immediate future.

Lets face it, I don't even know where to begin sorting out the emotional mess that exists in my heart.

Tomorrow we're packing everything up into proper airtight storage containers and making space for it in the garage with the rest of our junk. There won't be any need to sort through it again and there will be no new additions. It'll just be 4 boxes of stuff sitting in the garage.

Optimism, Courage, Fear & Humanity.

The words "Optimism is the foundation of courage" are ones that came from the mouth of a Mr Nicholas Murray Butler. Don't know who this is? Neither do I, but Google says he was an American Educator, Philosopher and Diplomat from April 1862 to December 1947. A wise man? maybe. But I bet he didn't know this quote was going to stick around for 66 years after his death. But here it is.

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer" said US General George S. Patterson. I bet he never imagined that those 7 words would still have an impact on the world 68 years later, but again, here they are.

Benjamin Disraeli, a British conservative politician, writer and aristocrat once said "Fear makes us feel our humanity"and it's as relevant today as it was back in 1800's. 

So what's my point? Why am I writing about these men? Simple. Because their words have really helped me when I've struggled. They've helped me see another side of life, given a different perspective. Their words are as relevant now in 2013 as they were to the people they were intended for decades ago. Powerful stuff isn't it. The worlds you speak today could potentially proceed you for decades and you'll never even know about it.

Just a thought for the night.

Lazy Weekends

This past Friday, Saturday and Sunday have been really great days. I'm glad you can't actually wish away time because If I had skipped past the rest of October like I wanted to in my last post, I wouldn't have experienced this weekend.

Friday was a great day and just seemed to be the positive kick I needed to set the tone for the whole weekend. It ended up being the date of Birth of not 1 but 2 people, my friend of many years Mr M and also little Miss L, the newborn daughter of a good friend of mine.

After hearing the news of Miss L's arrival, we left home to celebrate Mr M's birthday by attending a dinner at a local pub and dressing up like nerds. It was really lovely to catch up with friends and see some other people we hadn't seen for a while. The food was great and the night was just really low key and fun spirited. We had a great time. It was a great way to wind down after a busy day at work. It just seemed to be a wonderful night and happiness and love filled my heart.

Saturday was a day of relaxing. I spent the most part watching a TV show called Catfish. The hosts Nev & Max are so attractive, it's really a pleasure to watch. Aside from watching this show, Phil & I went to the Handmade Expo and had a look around for Christmas gifts. We didn't find anything that really jumped out, but we did buy a bag of sweet and salty popcorn - YUM! It's so good! It's also full of sugar but I'm choosing to ignore that.

Saturday night we went into the City to celebrate Miss B's birthday at a little Greek restaurant. We sat at a long table on the footpath and it was really nice to be outside in the fresh air. We ate all different types of food, most I had never had before, but it was all really yummy. Phil & I were impressed. We had a great night and were even entertained by a man attempting to break in to an apartment above the shops across the road. The Cops that came to investigate but we were pretty sure he had just locked himself out. We did have to leave early and pretty abruptly due to my anxiety kicking a stink, but I made it to dessert and although I feel awful about leaving, I know that she understands why. It sucks sometimes but it's always easier when you surround yourself with people that make it easier.

Once we got home, we dragged all of our bedding into the lounge room and camped on the floor for the night. We watched a few movies and ate more of our market popcorn. It was nice to have a little "us" time. We went to bed just after 2 am so it wasn't half surprising when we didn't wake up until just before 11am.

Sunday afternoon we had brunch on the back patio in the sun and breeze. It was lovely. I had Avo & Eggs on toast and Phil had chips from the local take away shop. I sent him for bread and he came back with chips for breakfast, typical man! He did also bring me the Christmas edition of Better Homes and Gardens Magazine so he was quickly forgiven.

After breakfast I went to lay on the floor of my relaxation room and read my magazine while listening to the radio. I'm in love with the digital radio station Smooth FM. It's great for people who suffer from Stress and Anxiety as it is true easy listening. I find myself talking to the radio sometimes, call me crazy but I find it so relaxing!

Now I'm going to go and finish up some patterns that I've been working on for the past week. I think my elephant pattern is coming along nicely, so hopefully it'll be finished soon and I can get started!

Self Awareness - Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about self awareness and the top 10 things that I've recently discovered about myself. Whilst the list wasn't intentionally negative, upon reflection I see that it could very likely come across that way. So tonight I'm going to flip it up and write about 10 things that might be more positive about me.

Finding the positive is really difficult for me. By nature, I'm a pessimist and rather cynical so feeling good about myself is not something that comes naturally. I rely a lot on other people to pep me up and thrive off positive feedback. I am slowly learning to become more comfortable with myself but for now that's still a work in progress.

So, here is the top 10 things I feel are positive about me;

1. I'm intelligent. When I focus, I find that I'm able to learn and process information quickly. I constantly surprise people with the amount of random knowledge I have about various things.


2. I don't often lose my temper and I'm not an angry person. Like anyone I have my moments but I generally let things go quite quickly.


3. I'm quite funny. It makes me feel exceptionally good when I'm able to make people laugh.


4. I'm very open. Some people may not think that this is a particularly good thing but you always know where you stand with me. If I'm upset with you, you'll know about it because I'm not usually one to pussy foot around. 


5. I am particularly level headed in medical situations, I'm obviously not a doctor but I am often able to correctly identify potential issues and offer advice about treating symptoms until professional advice and treatment can be given. I have a fair bit of basic medical knowledge as I used to read medical journals and text books when I was younger. I also have basic first aid and triage training due to my experience with cadets.


6. I'm loyal and generous in my friendship with others. I'm a big believer that friendship is a 2 way street, so when I feel that the other person is putting effort into it, I am loyal and protective. I do what ever it takes to ensure that they are happy and when they come to me with an issue I generally feel as though I need to fix it. That being said, I don't chase people when they retreat from me. I refuse to maintain one sided friendships. Friendship is tricky but it doesn't work if you don't put effort into it. Some people are in your life for a long time and others are in it for a good time. I'd rather look back on a good friendship and let it go when it's run it's course instead of trying to put all my energy and time into salvaging it when the other person has already checked out. 


7. I am rather crafty. I enjoy creating things and I like drawing up my own patterns for needlework and then bringing it to life. I love making things for people and my creative ability comes in handy a lot in life.


8. I talk A LOT but I'm also a good listener. I enjoy hearing about other peoples lives and problems and I'm always eager to know more about people in general. That being said, I like to offer alternative perspectives when I feel people are being too narrow minded.


9. I am very compassionate and caring. I can easily put things aside and offer myself up when other people are in need. I enjoy offering advice and support to people.


10. I'm thoughtful and I remember the special little things. I like to remind people about all the good things that contribute to who they are. 

So there they are, the top 10 positive things that I believe make me who I am. This list took me over an hour to put together and honestly, I really struggled. If you've got any more to add please share them with me, I could certainly use the self esteem boost!

Self awareness

Recently I've been thinking about myself as a person and all the things I like and dislike about myself. I can assure you that this isn't even the slightest bit enjoyable, however I would be lying if I said that it wasn't eye opening.

It's helpful when you're self aware, life just seems a little easier when you're able to take a step back and realise why you get the reactions you get and try and look at yourself and your life from a different perspective.

I've found the whole activity oddly liberating. Some things I want to try and actively change, but other things I'm happy to continue with.

There are a number of things I've noticed, but here are the top 10;

1. I unintentionally come across as though I'm trying to One-up people when I'm trying to contribute to a conversation. No one has ever pointed this out, but I know I do it.


2. I over think almost everything. I don't think I'm able to just take something for what it is.


3. I get incredibly frustrated when people don't understand things that I perceive as common sense.


4. My laugh is incredibly annoying. It's funny at first but gets really annoying very quickly.


5. I over talk so much that I often forget the point I was going to make and end up telling a 15 minute story about something completely unrelated. This is generally because I get caught up in details and get so sidetracked that I forget to go back to my original train of thought.


6. I talk really really loud and even when I attempt to quiet down, my voice is still far too loud.


7. I take criticism really personally even though I know I shouldn't. No matter what form, I feel like I'm personally being attacked.


8. I have a constant need to be right. If I am sure of my facts, I will often argue it until I'm blue in the face. I'll find books and articles that support my view and send them to the person days later if I feel they aren't convinced that I'm right. It's not because I'm trying to be an arse, it's because I want people to be educated and hate the idea of people going around spreading incorrect information.


9. I'm overly sensitive to light and sound. Loud noises and certain sounds make me really angry (i.e the sound of fingernails scratching skin) and if a place is not well lit I usually get a headache.


10. I put myself down a lot because I think people will find it funny but when they laugh I feel bad about myself.

Not all of them are so bad but a lot of them are things that are annoying and contribute to the reason people dislike me. I'm not saying this in self pity, I know that some people don't notice these things and it doesn't bother them, but other people do and they can't stand it. It's life. Some people like you and some people don't. You just have to be yourself and let them make up their own minds.

I guess it's easy to think of all the things you dislike about yourself, but it's important to realise that some of these things are what others love about you. I know this because my husband has been reading this list over my shoulder as I write it and he had said a number of times that some of the points are things he loves about me. I admit that I find that hard to wrap my head around but I still feel comforted by it.

Standing Tall

Well this month has proven to be one of the hardest ones this year. We're only 14 days in but I'm already done with October.

I guess I wish it was November because I know that I won't feel the same as I do now in a few weeks time. Like all things, time is the only sure fire way to move past something. Time heals all wounds, or so they say.

So why has it been so difficult? Well, it appears that a number of people found an effective way to warm up during the winter and as a result there has been a mini boom in pregnancy announcements. By mini boom I actually only mean 4, but seeing as though they all  happen to be due within a week or so of each other, I think I can get away with calling it a boom. 

I think it's important to explain that I am not resentful or angry at these women, my feelings all stem from selfish frustration. Yep. I admit it. I feel like this because I'm selfish and a little bitter. Instead of being happy for them, I'm consumed with how I feel about it. I generally deal with these things really well, but 4 at once was a bit much.

I feel frustrated because I should have been next. 

Do I think these women will be great mothers? YES! 

Do I think they deserve to be happy? YES! 

Am I happy for them? YES! 

Am I jealous? YES!

So there it is. I'm jealous of these ladies and the wonderful gifts that god has given them. 

This isn't about fairness or anger, it's ultimately about feeling like a failure. I feel like a failure to myself, my husband and our parents. I feel like I'm not able to do what I should be able to and it's incredibly frustrating to see other people get what I want. Jealousy is a terrible feeling and something I feel awful about letting into my heart. I couldn't stop it this time, I tried but I couldn't do it.

I guess this whole baby thing is a bit like a row of skill testers, we each put in our $2 coin and we all have a chance of winning. Every one has a few go's and then they walk off with a prize, but I keep playing and every time my claw returns empty. 

Maybe it's more like a lottery? We all buy tickets every month and we all have an even chance of winning. I'm just waiting for my numbers to come up.

If there is one good things that comes out of this, it's the fact that I have a renewed appreciation of my friend Miss B. She's been amazing during the past few weeks and she's always told me what I've needed to hear instead of what she thinks I want to hear. She's my little voice of reason when I'm anything but rational. I'm really lucky to have her, she's a beautiful woman and a great friend.

I've also got to thank my wonderful husband for putting up with me and my frustration. I'm sure I'm not exactly the easiest person to deal with when I'm in my little moods but he's really stepped up and let me get it all out without judgement or too much frustration. 

On the 2 occasions that I was really upset about this, these two were on it straight away. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy that I have such a great little support network.

I know it must be difficult to be my friend sometimes. I often think about that. I'm at a point in my life where it seems like I need so much more from others then I'm able to give them in return, but I am always always always here for them and I really hope they know that. Always.

So I'm choosing to stand tall now and be happy. I'm letting the frustration and jealousy go because It's no good for my heart and I want to be excited and happy for the new additions that will be welcomed into the world in April/May next year. I'll get a few baby cuddles for my birthday in June and my Facebook will light up with photos of beautiful little people. How I can I be sad about that?

Cha cha cha changes

Tonight I realised that there are less than 3 months left of the year! Sneaky little thing, it feels like only a few months ago that I was welcoming in 2013 on the grass at Southbank with my husband and our good friends. There was something special that night, we really thought that 2013 was going to be our year and the excitement about what was to come filled our hearts with joy.

10 months and a few bumps in the road later, here we are! So it turns out that 2013 didn't exactly live up to expectation, but I've actually managed to learn a lot about where we're going in life. Even though the road has been a bit rough, I can't help but feel thankful for all of it.

2014 is going to be our year. January brings the start of a new chapter in our lives and the start of a renewed commitment to Baby Schneider. After 3 years we've pretty much done all we can without any serious assistance, so we're going to the big leagues! We have an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and we're taking the first steps into medical intervention.

The thought of moving onto this next stage of our fertility journey is actually really scary. I often find myself wondering about where we're going to find the money, how we're going to cope as a couple and rather selfishly, how I'm going to handle this myself.  I can't help but think about my body being filled with harsh medications, the insides of my most private areas being being poked and prodded and all the needles that will be piercing my skin, but as awful as it seems sometimes, I always feel excited. I feel like I'm giving Baby Schneider that best chance possible to find his or her way here to us.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid, but I'm going to embrace the change and have faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

L O V E

Love is not only a feeling, it is an action.

Only sometimes we have to show it, even when we don't feel it.

Very few people realise that it's a choice that can effect your whole life.

Even when it hurts, it never ends. 

It's about saying I do and I will

Sometimes we need to make sacrifices, but it's always worth it.

Although love is unconditional, you must never ask how others can love you more.

Love is about giving all you have and asking for nothing in return.

We have friends, siblings and family to keep our hearts full.

Almost any situation can be made better by showing love.

You might not always know it, but so many people love you.

Someone may be thinking about you right now.

Where we find love can be surprising.

One of the best ways to love is to forgive.

Reconciliation can lead to wonderful things.

There is always a risk of a broken heart, but that shouldn't stop you.

How do you know when it's real? You don't.

I like to think that love is a surprise.

The best things in life are often stumbled upon, not pursued.