Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures are defined as "Something one enjoys and considers pleasurable whilst also feeling guilty about enjoying said something." I think that's a little odd. If people consider something enjoyable and pleasurable, why feel bad about it? Unless you're a homicidal maniac... in which case guilt probably isn't an issue for you anyway.

 My top 5 guilty pleasures are as follows;

1. Breakfast for 1 - I love having breakfast by myself on my days off. I'm not talking household cereal, I'm talking about lovely lavish breakfasts in cafes whilst sipping on hot chocolate and basking in my own company. Not exactly cost effective on our budget, but amazing.


2. Reading blogs about celebrity babies - Yep. This is an embarrassing one! I love love love reading about celebrity babies. Every day I log onto the blogs and check out the details about the newest arrival and the expanding bumps of my favourite celebs. At least I'm contributing to slowing global warming... right? It's electronic.. I'm saving trees.


3. Dancing and singing around my house or in my car when I'm alone - Is there anything better than blaring the music and dancing around while belting out the lyrics to your favourite song? Nope! Not in my opinion. I love it! I put on my socks and do my best risky business moves. I sing so loud my voice hurts and if people ever saw me do this, I'd die of embarrassment. It is however a great stress relief.


4. Watching Couples Retreat - This move is my go to movie when I'm upset, sick or stressed. I don't really know exactly what I like about it, I just instantly feel better when I watch it.


5. Reading trashy romantic comedy novels - There is something about ridiculous love stories in really far fetched settings that makes me really happy. When the most incompatible people fall in love with each other over their mutual love of dancing elephants... It doesn't get much better then that. My latest book involved a poor woman and a rich man who was a womaniser and suddenly turned his life around to be with her... Needless to say it ended in them divorcing and him running back to his ex girlfriend. I loved it!

I think it's important to do the things that make you happy, regardless of how silly they may seem. Life's too short to worry about the little things. 

Growing up stinks!

As a child, I thought that I would grow up to be either a Hairdresser, a Singer or a Teacher.  I wanted to help people, I didn't think to much about how I would help them, just that it's what I wanted to do for a job.

As it turns out, I didn't end up doing any of those things. Straight out of school I enrolled in Teaching, but I got disheartened when people told me that it was a rubbish career that involved long hours and unfair pay. Bottom line, I was told that I'd regret my decision and hate my job.

Being my stubborn self, I decided that I was going to do it anyway and they were right. I hated it before I'd even finished a semester. I hated that I was supposed to learn about the difference between the words Modernism and modernism, I hated the fact that I felt bored in most of my classes. I hated everything, except the social science and psychology subjects. So I quit.

I changed to Human Service and then again to Nursing. I didn't get more then 2 subject through before I quit all together. I was young, I didn't know what I wanted. All I knew was that I wasn't going to waste 4 years studying and paying for a degree that landed me in a career I didn't want. So I got a job.

5 years later I'm still working for the same company. I'm 23 years old and I'm stuck in a job that I like, but I'm not doing the 1 thing I wanted to do with my life - help people.

I've tried to find happiness and fulfilment in my current job and the fact that it provides me with both financial and social rewards. I've tried to convince myself that the passion I think I'll find by changing paths is only an assumption. I've tried to rationalise everything and make it a logical decision, but I'm not sure I trust myself to be true to myself.

Truth be told, I've felt a bit lost for the past few years. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I just knew that I needed to make a decision soon or it would be too late. It took a metal breakdown, depression and string of personal circumstances/experiences to get me to a place where I could say - I want to be a Psychologist.

So now I'm at a cross roads. Do I stick with the job I've currently got, apply for a Full time position and be happy with the fact that it pays well, it's got great benefits and it'll provide me with the opportunity to build my dream home, have my much wanted baby and live rather comfortably or do I stay part-time and throw myself into study and become a Psychologist?

That's all well and good though isn't it, knowing what I want. But what about when my ability to make decisions no longer relies on my thoughts and actions, but the thoughts of my husband as well? How do I try and find a middle ground when I know that I won't be happy unless I do what I want?

I'm really lucky to be where I am, I know that.

I also know that at some point I need to make the decision to either stay where I am and settle down, or to throw caution to the wind and convince my husband to either jump into the next few hectic years with me or to let me do it on my own. I've only got 6 months to make a decision. I can't keep running from this and pretending I'll deal with it later.

When did life become so complicated?

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Why don't you drink?

This is probably the question that I get asked the most.

I have never had a glass of wine, a shot or a beer. I've tasted it before, but I've never had a standard drink. 

A lot of people simply can't understand why I don't consume alcohol and even when I try and use stock standard answers about health, the taste and lack of interest, it still doesn't sink in. 

That being said, I'm not sure that I've ever told anyone the actual reason before.

I don't drink because I firmly and honestly believe that I would become an alcoholic.

Well, now that it's been written I guess I should probably explain it.

Alcoholism runs in my family. A number of relatives have used alcohol to cope with depression and it has done anything but assist them. I have watched the decline in a close relative as she dealt with issues very similar to my own. I've also heard stories about family members that were the victims of alcohol related abuse. Nothing good has come from alcohol consumption. If I can't have fun without the assistance of alcohol, then I'm obviously not socialising with the right people.

It's a life choice I have made and not one that I have any interest in changing my mind about.

It seems like such a trivial thing to some people, but alcohol can ruin lives. You don't think about that when you have a beer with some mates, but for some people it's a form of self medicating that leads them to do things they wouldn't ordinarily do. 

I think about it often. When people say that it helps them relax and escape, I think about my choice. But I ultimately come back to the same thought.

I want more for myself, my family and my life. I don't want to take the risk because it's not worth it.

So there it is. The truth about my sobriety.

Friendship Disconnect

I'm the kind of person that tries really hard for a time and then if I have no success, I quit. This really applies to a lot of aspects of my life and I often use it as a justification for my limited achievements.

Here is my current issue - How am I supposed to be involved in the lives of people that don't ever invite me into them?

I constantly make myself available, willing and able to assist people at their convenience, but I can't help but wonder where to draw the line between feeling used and accepting that it's simply the kind of relationship I have with this person. Is there a line or am I just trying to find one?

The majority of my life is spent trying to please everyone else, it's full of compromise to other peoples benefit and very few true two-way friendships. It's usually their way or the highway.

A large number of people in my life are only interested in participating in things that benefit them. I hate making plans and having them cancelled on my last minute because the other person doesn't "feel like it" anymore. I'm sorry, but what about me? What about the fact that I was looking forward to this? Why don't I matter? I have friends that do this to me all the time. Everyone has the right to cancel plans, but surely there must be a "3 strikes and you're out" type of rule.

Don't get me wrong, more then a few times I've wanted to opt out of doing things but most times I go through with them anyway because I know that it means something or is important to the other person. Is it really so awful of me to expect that people respect me in the same way?

There are also the people that always want to know about you but never share anything about themselves. If you're upset they want to know the ins and outs, but when they are upset the most you get is a "it'll be fine". It's a little hard to feel anything but annoyed when this happens. How can you take their interest in your issues as anything more then curiosity when they refuse to open up to you in the same way? I feel like they don't trust me and I instantly feel foolish for thinking we were close.

I guess I'm just really struggling with most of the friendships in my life at the moment. I'm so over trying and I just want to quit.

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Really? Is this a thing?

There are very few things in life that are as strange as seeing the words "Hey bitch, how are you?" appear on your phone from an unknown number. 

Well, I was doing a lot better before you called me a bitch, stranger. 

Is this a thing now? Calling each other swear words as a friendly way to communicate? When did our language get so messed up?

If I sent this kind of message to one of my friends, I don't think I'd get a pleasant  reply. If anything I'm sure I'd get a "umm, is this actually Steph?" Or a "what the? Why are you calling me that" rather than a "fine thanks, how are you?" 

When did it become acceptable to be calling each other such a derogatory word? I love the women in my life. They are my friends, my support, my lifelines, and when I need it most my shoulders to cry on. But they are never going to be my bitches, my whores or my hoes.

I respect theses women and I can't understand flipping the word and using it as a term of endearment. No matter what feminist propaganda is thrown at me, I refuse to "reclaim" the word. You wouldn't let a man get away with it, so why should you let a women get away with it? How can you fight for equal rights while you create a double standard?

In an age of social media, at what point do you draw the line and decide that enough is enough? We already needlessly shorten words and avoid proper use of grammar. Shouldn't that be enough? Do we really need to blur the line between polite and impolite? 

The unspoken word is already difficult to interpret sometimes. It's hard to know what emotion the text is supposed to portray without hearing it. If there is more than one way to take something people always manage to take it the worst way. Why make it harder to communicate with each other?

Blanket rule - If you wouldn't say it to your mum, you shouldn't say it to anyone!

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Finding the positive

A few posts ago I talked about infertility and the fact that I had a story about my own journey to parenthood that I was unwilling to share at this time. While I'm still not keen on sharing, I would like to write about the positive impact that infertility has had on my life. Who knew that the words infertility and positive could ever be used in the same sentence? But, for me they can.

The biggest positive has been the strengthening of my relationship with my husband. Don't get me wrong he still gets on my nerves from time to time, but during this whole experience I've learnt that his love for me is deep and sincere, he loves me with all that he has and I know that no matter what happens in our life together he'll always be my biggest support and protector. There were times that I thought he would leave, there were times that I asked him to, but here we are standing tall and fighting together. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. There is no doubt in my mind that I have married the perfect partner in life and my best friend.

Another positive has been the time we've had to wait. We started trying when I was very young and whilst it didn't feel like a big deal at the time, I feel that I'm in a much better place now, because I have grown and become such a different person because of this experience. I'm more mentally and physically prepared and ready for parenthood at this point in my life then I have been previously. I think I would have been a good parent back then, but I know I'll be a better parent now.

When I think about the ways that infertility has affected my life, I can't help but feel that maybe things truly only happen when they are supposed to. Through the whole journey, I've not only grown and changed as a person but I've learnt a lot about myself.

The following poem gives me hope and sums up mostly how I feel; 

Thoughts Of Becoming A Mother 

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbour, a friend and sister because I have known this pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have fought through the fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs,

I listen,

because even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learnt the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten, as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learnt a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learnt to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful person.

 - unknown.

Now I know that this poem might initially offend some people, but it's not in any way meant to invalidate the love of people who conceived their children easily. It's one of those things that can't be explained even when you've experienced it. I wish I could explain it but I can't. I feel it though. 
The whole point of this post is to highlight that with every negative experience, it's possible to find a silver lining if you're willing to look for it.

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Happiness

How many times have you heard someone say "Am I ever going to be happy"? I hear it all the time. I wish I could slap these people and tell them to wake up to themselves.

For a really long time I thought that happiness was something that I could obtain. Something that I could aim for and through a series of fortunate circumstances I could claim as a reward. I fell into a deep depression because I based all my worth on what I couldn't do instead of what I could do and who I was.

I was wrong.  Happiness is a choice, not a reward. 

For me, Happiness is derived from a number of things but they all start with me. I'm my own happiness. 

I believe that we all create our own happiness, we choose to be happy or we we choose not to be. We can either see the positive and be happy with what we have, or we can choose to be negative and mourn what we don't. We can live in fear, or we can live for the moment. This is still something I'm working on, but something I'm already finding beneficial in my life. 

I've decided to accept that there are many things outside of my control and that rather then fight them, I'm going to give in and go with the flow. Why should I waste my time fighting in a battle I'm never going to win? I'm wearing myself down for no reason. Resistance is futile. Life is life and the future is uncertain. I believe that I can either enjoy the ride or I can fight it but either way I'm going to end up at the same destination. It's hard to let go. 

I choose to forgive myself. It's been really hard for me to be kind to myself. I'm not perfect but nor is anyone else. I'm not always going to live up to expectations and I'm not always going to be able to achieve what I want to. It's ok. I'm proud of the journey I'm on. I believe that anyone (including myself) that makes a mistake, deserves to be forgiven. I will always forgive and forget instead of harbour resentment towards them. Holding on to negativity is of no benefit to anyone. That's not to say that I don't get angry. I most certainly do. I just choose to feel what I need to feel for a short time and then let it go.

In my life, I'm most passionate about the way I treat others. I often treat myself badly, but I make a real effort to ensure that I treat other people with love and respect. No one is any less worthy then anyone else. Everyone has intrinsic worth, in other words, you are worthy of love and respect because you simply exist. If people make you feel unworthy or small, it is a fault of theirs not of yours. I believe that everyone can be great if given the chance. I choose to see the positive, it's there even if you don't believe it. I believe that it doesn't matter where you come from or how you got to where you are, the past is the past but the future is all yours. You can't rely on other people to make you happy, but that doesn't mean that you have to associate with people who just want to tear you down. Be the change you want to see in the world.

I used to think that success was happiness. If I had a beautiful house, a fancy car and a decent savings account, I could do anything I wanted and enjoy my life. I focused on this for years and never felt satisfied with what I had. It was never good enough because someone always had better things. I wanted more.

I was a fool.

I realised that my fancy house and fancy car wouldn't ever make me a good person. I realised that at the end of my life, I wanted people to remember me for meaningful things, not for material things. Who wants someone to get up and say "She was a nice person, she had a fabulous house and never wanted for anything. She was a success and even though she worked hard, she had a good life. She will be missed" errr... no thanks! I want people to remember me as someone that was "Such a kind and beautiful person, she was loving and positive person who always made us feel valued and important. She was always the life of the party but also someone we knew we could lean on. She was there for us during both the good and bad times and will be very deeply missed." I know it's weird to think that way, but it was the best way to explain how I put my life into perspective. I want a meaningful life.

I may not be rich in money, but I genuinely feel rich in other aspects of my life. I feel incredibly lucky to be the person I am. I can't say it's always easy to be me, but I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

Am I happy? Yes, because I know i'm a good person. I haven't always been, but I will be for the rest of my life. People make mistakes and I've made some big ones. I know better now and I will continue to grow and I will continue to be the best person I can be for the remainder of my life.

You can't change what the actions or words of other people. But you can change the way you react to it and the choices you make as a result.

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