Sunday, 10 November 2013

I needed a break

What a difference a little time makes! When I posted my last post I was pretty much at rock bottom, but a few weeks have passed and I'm feeling much better.

There were a number of people that offered support and advice about our situation which was really lovely. One text message and a call to medicare later, it appears that we've got another option as far as IVF funding is concerned. We have to jump through a few hoops but we're back on track with having it as a viable option! It's pretty much the best news that we could ever have received.

Our private health care provider handled our situation terribly. The information they provided was not only incorrect but also delivered in a really insensitive way. It's safe to say that we have cancelled our policy and will never have to deal with them again. A formal complaint has been lodged and hopefully someone will get reprimanded. I can't help but wonder just how many other couples have been fed the same information. It makes me really angry to think that there may be others under the impression that their options are limited when in reality they aren't.

So, tomorrow I have another appointment with my doctor. Hopefully we'll get a little more information, a scan referral to check on how things are going physically and a referral to the endocrinologist to see how my hormones levels are going and tweak them a little. Hopefully we'll be able to see a noticeable difference from last time and if all goes well I'll also be able to finally start some anxiety medication which will, with any luck, help me get my emotions back under control.

Our fertility journey has been a weird one, it's had it's up and downs and although we don't have a baby in our arms just yet, I choose to believe that we're making progress every day. It's hard to "let it go" and "move on" with our lives, but we have to. We don't have to forget what we want and we don't have to give up, we just have to find a better way to pass the time. I struggle with that a little. 

I feel like putting this whole journey aside is just like giving up, but it can't be because I'll never forget about my dreams of parenthood. I just need to pursue something different for a while to let my heart heal. Allowing myself to heal isn't giving up, it's letting myself get stronger and find emotionally healthy ways to fight harder. To prepare myself for what will be in the future, for things that I don't know now. Every day is different, every day the game can change. 

I need to be happy, healthy and ready to give it all that I can. I want so hard to believe that I'm ready, but in all honesty, I'm not. I'm not ready for the next part of our journey, so we have to postpone the trip. Not cancel it, just postpone it. When Schneider Airways is ready to fly again, we'll board the plane, but while it's down for maintenance we'll just have to change our plans a little and enjoy where we are right now.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is not think. Not wonder. Not imagine. Not obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.

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