Sunday, 24 November 2013
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
The past week has left me tired and emotional. Every so often I feel like everything is a but too much all at once. The days drag out and the nights pass by in a flash. I can't sleep, I don't eat and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
This week is one of those weeks. I feel like no matter what I do, I just can't do anything right. I can't make my body function correctly, I can't be the wife my husband deserves, I can't be the friend my friends expect me to be, I can't be the coworker my team needs me to be and I can't find a balance. Everything just seems upside down and back to front.
It's not "I can't" forever, it's just "I can't" right now. At this point in my life I can't be the person who always sees the positive, I can't be the friend I used to be, I can't be the woman my husband fell in love with... and it hurts. It eats at me and I feel like a failure.
My strength is gone. The ability to plaster on a smile has faded and my eyes feel heavy. I need to recharge. I need to escape from expectation, but most of all i need the people in my life to understand that this isn't me. This isn't the real me.
I want to rewind time and be back at the place in my life where life was fun and I loved being me. Where I could hang out with my friends all night and go on dates with my husband without worrying about when my anxiety was going to kick in. I miss myself. I miss the girl I was.
I don't want to sit in bed and cry because I don't like who I've become. I don't want to be this person, the person who knows they are so much better then who they are right now.
I'm at a low point. I can feel myself withdrawing and it makes me feel guilty. I feel like it's unfair on everyone else but they don't seem to see how much it effects me. How much it hurts me to be the way I am and the pressure I put on myself to try and make this easier for them. I'm trying so hard to get back to normal and I can't. Not right now.
I can't understand what's wrong with me and thats incredibly frustrating because it means that I don't know how to fix myself.
I feel like a puzzle with a piece missing. You can see the whole image but the missing piece annoys you. If only you could find the missing piece, the puzzle would be so beautiful if it was complete. The way you remember it. The way it's supposed to be. The way everyone expects it to be.
I want to be this person. I wish it was as easy as deciding that as of tomorrow I'm going to be better and everything will just disappear. I've tried, believe me I've tried.
So for today, I just feel tired and emotional. But tomorrow I'm just going to have to try again. And the next day I'll try again. One day at a time until things get better, no matter how long that takes.
Monday, 18 November 2013
I personally don't care about my chubby thighs or pudgy fingers, the part of my body that I hate the most is the large jagged scar that runs from the bottom of my belly button to just below my hip line. It's something I can't change, something I can't remove and oddly enough, something that essentially saved my life.
That's the thing with most surgery, they don't do it if they don't have to. Without the ugly line on my tummy, I would have eventually had a 3kg cyst burst around my vital organs. If I could pick a way to leave the earth, a giant cyst rupturing inside me wouldn't make the list.
So, why do I hate it so much?
I hate looking at my stomach because it's a constant reminder of my internal imperfection. It's there every day and when I look at it I just feel angry. If it wasn't there, my life would be different. I'd have a full set of reproductive organs and maybe I'd have a family already.
But it's there because it has to be.
My doctor got up me when I complained about it. She said that although it makes things harder it's better than not existing, which was the alternative. She's a lovely lady who had twins via IVF due to similar circumstances to my own. She's incredibly positive and exactly what I need right now.
Tomorrow I have to get yet another blood test, show yet another doctor my scar, explain my story again and get another scan to try and find out what's hiding underneath. Worst case scenario, we'll need to add another scar. Best case, it's just 1 hour and 20 minutes of my time spent.
Learning to love part of yourself is hard. Learning to love something that symbolises what you see as a major flaw is harder.
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
The hardest part for me is the constant jealousy. I don't hate people that have children, nor would I ever begrudge them their families because honestly, I would never wish infertility on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. But when I see the love between a parent and child it makes my heart ache.
|What heartbreak looks like. - This is so much more than words.|
Sunday, 27 October 2013
Monday, 21 October 2013
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Friday was a great day and just seemed to be the positive kick I needed to set the tone for the whole weekend. It ended up being the date of Birth of not 1 but 2 people, my friend of many years Mr M and also little Miss L, the newborn daughter of a good friend of mine.
After hearing the news of Miss L's arrival, we left home to celebrate Mr M's birthday by attending a dinner at a local pub and dressing up like nerds. It was really lovely to catch up with friends and see some other people we hadn't seen for a while. The food was great and the night was just really low key and fun spirited. We had a great time. It was a great way to wind down after a busy day at work. It just seemed to be a wonderful night and happiness and love filled my heart.
Saturday was a day of relaxing. I spent the most part watching a TV show called Catfish. The hosts Nev & Max are so attractive, it's really a pleasure to watch. Aside from watching this show, Phil & I went to the Handmade Expo and had a look around for Christmas gifts. We didn't find anything that really jumped out, but we did buy a bag of sweet and salty popcorn - YUM! It's so good! It's also full of sugar but I'm choosing to ignore that.
Saturday night we went into the City to celebrate Miss B's birthday at a little Greek restaurant. We sat at a long table on the footpath and it was really nice to be outside in the fresh air. We ate all different types of food, most I had never had before, but it was all really yummy. Phil & I were impressed. We had a great night and were even entertained by a man attempting to break in to an apartment above the shops across the road. The Cops that came to investigate but we were pretty sure he had just locked himself out. We did have to leave early and pretty abruptly due to my anxiety kicking a stink, but I made it to dessert and although I feel awful about leaving, I know that she understands why. It sucks sometimes but it's always easier when you surround yourself with people that make it easier.
Once we got home, we dragged all of our bedding into the lounge room and camped on the floor for the night. We watched a few movies and ate more of our market popcorn. It was nice to have a little "us" time. We went to bed just after 2 am so it wasn't half surprising when we didn't wake up until just before 11am.
Sunday afternoon we had brunch on the back patio in the sun and breeze. It was lovely. I had Avo & Eggs on toast and Phil had chips from the local take away shop. I sent him for bread and he came back with chips for breakfast, typical man! He did also bring me the Christmas edition of Better Homes and Gardens Magazine so he was quickly forgiven.
After breakfast I went to lay on the floor of my relaxation room and read my magazine while listening to the radio. I'm in love with the digital radio station Smooth FM. It's great for people who suffer from Stress and Anxiety as it is true easy listening. I find myself talking to the radio sometimes, call me crazy but I find it so relaxing!
Now I'm going to go and finish up some patterns that I've been working on for the past week. I think my elephant pattern is coming along nicely, so hopefully it'll be finished soon and I can get started!
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Finding the positive is really difficult for me. By nature, I'm a pessimist and rather cynical so feeling good about myself is not something that comes naturally. I rely a lot on other people to pep me up and thrive off positive feedback. I am slowly learning to become more comfortable with myself but for now that's still a work in progress.
So, here is the top 10 things I feel are positive about me;
- I'm intelligent. When I focus, I find that I'm able to learn and process information quickly. I constantly surprise people with the amount of random knowledge I have about various things.
- I don't often lose my temper and I'm not an angry person. Like anyone I have my moments but I generally let things go quite quickly.
- I'm quite funny. It makes me feel exceptionally good when I'm able to make people laugh.
- I'm very open. Some people may not think that this is a particularly good thing but you always know where you stand with me. If I'm upset with you, you'll know about it because I'm not usually one to pussy foot around.
- I am particularly level headed in medical situations, I'm obviously not a doctor but I am often able to correctly identify potential issues and offer advice about treating symptoms until professional advice and treatment can be given. I have a fair bit of basic medical knowledge as I used to read medical journals and text books when I was younger. I also have basic first aid and triage training due to my experience with cadets.
- I'm loyal and generous in my friendship with others. I'm a big believer that friendship is a 2 way street, so when I feel that the other person is putting effort into it, I am loyal and protective. I do what ever it takes to ensure that they are happy and when they come to me with an issue I generally feel as though I need to fix it. That being said, I don't chase people when they retreat from me. I refuse to maintain one sided friendships. Friendship is tricky but it doesn't work if you don't put effort into it. Some people are in your life for a long time and others are in it for a good time. I'd rather look back on a good friendship and let it go when it's run it's course instead of trying to put all my energy and time into salvaging it when the other person has already checked out.
- I am rather crafty. I enjoy creating things and I like drawing up my own patterns for needlework and then bringing it to life. I love making things for people and my creative ability comes in handy a lot in life.
- I talk A LOT but I'm also a good listener. I enjoy hearing about other peoples lives and problems and I'm always eager to know more about people in general. That being said, I like to offer alternative perspectives when I feel people are being too narrow minded.
- I am very compassionate and caring. I can easily put things aside and offer myself up when other people are in need. I enjoy offering advice and support to people.
- I'm thoughtful and I remember the special little things. I like to remind people about all the good things that contribute to who they are.
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
It's helpful when you're self aware, life just seems a little easier when you're able to take a step back and realise why you get the reactions you get and try and look at yourself and your life from a different perspective.
I've found the whole activity oddly liberating. Some things I want to try and actively change, but other things I'm happy to continue with.
There are a number of things I've noticed, but here are the top 10;
- I unintentionally come across as though I'm trying to One-up people when I'm trying to contribute to a conversation. No one has ever pointed this out, but I know I do it.
- I over think almost everything. I don't think I'm able to just take something for what it is.
- I get incredibly frustrated when people don't understand things that I perceive as common sense.
- My laugh is incredibly annoying. It's funny at first but gets really annoying very quickly.
- I over talk so much that I often forget the point I was going to make and end up telling a 15 minute story about something completely unrelated. This is generally because I get caught up in details and get so sidetracked that I forget to go back to my original train of thought.
- I talk really really loud and even when I attempt to quiet down, my voice is still far too loud.
- I take criticism really personally even though I know I shouldn't. No matter what form, I feel like I'm personally being attacked.
- I have a constant need to be right. If I am sure of my facts, I will often argue it until I'm blue in the face. I'll find books and articles that support my view and send them to the person days later if I feel they aren't convinced that I'm right. It's not because I'm trying to be an arse, it's because I want people to be educated and hate the idea of people going around spreading incorrect information.
- I'm overly sensitive to light and sound. Loud noises and certain sounds make me really angry (i.e the sound of fingernails scratching skin) and if a place is not well lit I usually get a headache.
- I put myself down a lot because I think people will find it funny but when they laugh I feel bad about myself.
Monday, 14 October 2013
Tuesday, 8 October 2013
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
Tuesday, 1 October 2013
|Sourced via Google|
Monday, 30 September 2013
The book is written in first person narrative and it jumps between Fliss and Lottie. It's well written but lacks the spark you expect from Sophie Kinsella novels. That being said, it's laugh out loud funny in parts and is generally quite enjoyable. I did find that some parts dragged on a little, but it's a good read, even though it's not exactly the kind of book that you wouldn't want to put down. It would be a great beach or lazy day read, but don't expect feel any real sense of accomplishment when you finish reading it.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Tuesday, 24 September 2013
Monday, 23 September 2013
- Clutter - I will never be able to get my head around excessive nic nac's and piles of stuff laying around. I don't begrudge people the choice to hoard items, but try as I might, I've never been able to understand why anyone would want to be surrounded by things. Clutter makes me feel claustrophobic. I'm a believer in having a place for everything and having everything in it's place.
- People who firmly believe circumcision is ok - Does this really need an explanation? Who in their right mind can honestly say that chopping of the tip of a baby's penis is a good idea? You wouldn't cut bits off baby girls so you shouldn't cut bits off baby boys. Would a man choose to chop the tip off his penis off at 18? unlikely! So unless it's necessary for medical treatment, it should be left alone! Simple.
- Thermomix - I understand that people want to spend less time preparing meals but I cannot understand why anyone would pay in excess of $1500 for this convenience. Spending that much money on a kitchen appliance just screams crazy to me. I've seen it work up close and I've heard friends talk about how quick it is but as impressive as it seems, it doesn't change my stance. When people say that it replaces other kitchen appliances, I can't help but wonder what they are talking about exactly. To chop things I use a Knife and board, to boil or steam I use a saucepan and to fry I use a fry pan. What do other people use? it's never going to replace an oven or a stove top so I just can't even begin to try and justify the cost. Bellini offers a cheaper equivalent for under $300 and the reviews say its very comparable in use and quality for most recipes. For personal use, why would you spend $1500+ when you could spend $300?
- Financial ignorance - What's the deal with people purchasing big ticket items they can't afford? Just because the bank says you can afford to buy a 500k house and a 40k car, doesn't mean you should. Our bank is willing to lend us crazy amounts of money but we would be eating 2 minute noodles every night if we ever took up their offer. I can understand accidentally maxing out a credit card, but I can't understand getting a second to pay off the first. Financial ignorance is ripe throughout my generation and more and more people are signing contracts and taking on financial commitments that they have no means of fulfilling. It's so important to look before you leap when it comes to taking out loans of any kind. Foreclosure and bankruptcy are not the kind of life experience you should ever have to worry about.
- Tough love - In my personal opinion, being cruel is never being kind despite what certain sayings might have you believe. Breaking someone down to build them back up again is still ultimately breaking someone down regardless of your intentions. No one ever deserves to be treated badly "for their own good". There is huge difference between holding someone responsible for their actions and berating them for their actions in the hope that it will prevent them from repeating it in the future. Tough love is simply an excuse to write off negative emotional outbursts.
Tuesday, 17 September 2013
I guess that I should just reiterate that the previous post was about putting feelings into words, more so then thoughts into words. The hardest thing to understand about depression is the fact that your thoughts and feelings often won't match. I've had days where I've sat in bed and bombarded my thought process with positivity while also crying my eyes out and feeling physically sick. Trying to tell yourself that you're ok whilst you're almost throwing up because you've been crying so much is pointless. It's at that point that you can lose control and that's what was happening to me. I let it all overwhelm me and knock me down. I'm back on the horse now though.
Now, on to something a bit lighter.
Did you know that Christmas is only 98 days away! We're in double digits people.
Christmas is my favourite time of the year, I just love the decorations, christmas carols, store displays and putting up the tree and lights. Everything about Christmas is exciting.
So last night we decided that our new family activity would be to make home made gift tags and cards for this year. We both made a few different ones and I was pleasantly surprised at just how much effort we were actually willing to put into it. I love craft but Phil isn't much into anything that doesn't involve an electronic component. It was however a lot of fun.
|It's got little hearts on it!|
Sunday, 8 September 2013
The only person you've ever fully connected to is gone and you feel disconnected from the only other person who's supposed to understand you. He just doesn't understand and you're not sure he ever will. You can't blame him though. He didn't sign up for this. But then again, neither did you.
You feel like you're floating in the ocean but no matter how much effort you put into swimming to shore, it just doesn't get any closer. You feel alone and tired.
The problem is that you're starting to sink again, you can feel it. You're aware of it but you're struggling to find a way to signal for help. Pride and determination rip the words please help me from your vocabulary, you wonder how you're going to signal a life boat.
When you do try and speak, the words don't come out, its frustrating. You want to say how you feel and let it go but instead you say you're ok. It's just easier that way. People see a change in you but they don't know what to do, so they do nothing. It's just as well, you don't want your words thrown back at you later anyway. Lets face it, they prefer it when you're down. They know you'll be fine, you always are. It's the same story over and over.
Friends dissapear, you're just being stupid again. They've had enough of you. You're negative, you don't even try. You choose to feel this way. There is always drama when you're around. They have no idea. But it's not their problem so they back away. Someone else will help you won't they? You wonder why you feel so disconnected. There's your answer.
You can't sleep and you cry at night. You wish you had just one person you could confide in. You want to be listened to. You talk constantly but no one ever really hears you. You want to find a person who believes in you and understands you, someone who you can be honest with. You don't need an opinion or judgement, you just need to be heard and to be supported and encouraged to get better. Everyone else seems to have that one person that they connect with, so why not you? Is it because you're not good enough?
The thoughts of inadequacy start to conume you again. You're never going to be good enough are you? You're always going to be a failure.
You're getting in too deep again. You knew this would happen. It's just a war against yourself. Will anyone notice this time? You don't hold your breath.
It's always you. You know you're the only person who will tread the water.
It's not suprising that you dislike people. You give so much and get so little in return. You've given so much of yourself to others that you're not even sure who you are anymore. You just know that the core is empty and struggling.
You blame everyone else, but you know it's all your fault. Thats what they tell you anyway. You can't give up. You won't.
You'll be ok, you always are.
Thursday, 29 August 2013
It happens. Well, in my life it does.
I need to make it clear that I don't dislike these people. I simply disagree with them. They are generally the kind of people that push you for your opinion when they know you'll disagree and then find every possible way to 'educate' you and convince you that you are incorrect. They also tend to tell you that you have no right having an opinion on things you haven't directly experienced. It's infuriating.
Most recently I've dealt with a particular friend that has very strong parenting view. This normally doesn't bother me to much but she's taken things a little far now. I'm constantly asked my opinion on things, only to have things like "you're not a mother, you couldn't understand" or "you'll change your mind when your a parent" thrown in my face. I don't care about parenting views, I don't like to get involved with what people choose to do with their children and the choices they make as parents. But when someone asks my opinion, I'm going to tell them the truth. Why ask if you don't want the answer? I'm telling you what I think right here, right now. You know I don't have a child, so if you don't value the opinion of non-parents then why the hell are you pushing me to tell you what I think?
I've also found that a number of friends and I interpret things very differently. We'll read articles and I'll think one thing and they'll think another. More often then not our thoughts jump to completely different ends of the spectrum. Some people just jump on things and roll with them, no objective thinking at all. That bugs me. Why is it that people assume the worst in everything? If there are 3 ways of taking something, it seems most people choose the most offensive way.
That being said, I've never felt overwhelmingly compelled to advocate for anything. I'm the kind of person that simply accepts that people do what they want to do and I just do what I want to do. I don't feel the need to tell everyone that something is right or wrong, over and over and over again. There is a huge difference between making people feel bad and educating them. Why is this such a difficult concept to understand? it frustrates me. I'm not learning from you when you're making feel like a bad person. I'm actually less inclined to give a damn about what your talking about if you do it in an aggressive way. You catch more flies with honey and all that jazz.
Telling these people is even worse. Have you ever tried to tell someone that they are bothering you with their never ending opinion? It doesn't end well. Ever.
Now I know that I'm opinionated. I also know that people are going to accuse me of being a hypocrite. The fact is, I don't care if people agree with me. You might read this and think 'Yep! She's so right' or maybe you'll think 'She's an idiot'. The point is that I'm going to say this once, on my personal blog that's dedicated to expressing my opinion and then I'm going to let it go.
I think today is just one of 'those' days. You know the ones, they just make you want to scream at people and perpetuate your feelings of dislike of certain individuals.
|Where have I heard that before?|
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
I don't know what it all means right now and I'm not sure what I'm going to do to make myself feel ok. What I do know is that this is just a day of weakness. I know that tomorrow is a new day and I know that that I need to push forward and leave today behind me.
Sunday, 25 August 2013
|7 of the 10 Rainbow Unicorn team members!|
|My ouch face|
Friday, 23 August 2013
|Image sourced via google|
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
Today is day 1 of our third year of marriage.
Monday, 12 August 2013