Sunday, 24 November 2013

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Like a puzzle

The past week has left me tired and emotional. Every so often I feel like everything is a but too much all at once. The days drag out and the nights pass by in a flash. I can't sleep, I don't eat and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

This week is one of those weeks. I feel like no matter what I do, I just can't do anything right. I can't make my body function correctly, I can't be the wife my husband deserves, I can't be the friend my friends expect me to be, I can't be the coworker my team needs me to be and I can't find a balance. Everything just seems upside down and back to front.

It's not "I can't" forever, it's just "I can't" right now. At this point in my life I can't be the person who always sees the positive, I can't be the friend I used to be, I can't be the woman my husband fell in love with... and it hurts. It eats at me and I feel like a failure.

My strength is gone. The ability to plaster on a smile has faded and my eyes feel heavy. I need to recharge. I need to escape from expectation, but most of all i need the people in my life to understand that this isn't me. This isn't the real me.

I want to rewind time and be back at the place in my life where life was fun and I loved being me. Where I could hang out with my friends all night and go on dates with my husband without worrying about when my anxiety was going to kick in. I miss myself. I miss the girl I was.

I don't want to sit in bed and cry because I don't like who I've become. I don't want to be this person, the person who knows they are so much better then who they are right now.

I'm at a low point. I can feel myself withdrawing and it makes me feel guilty. I feel like it's unfair on everyone else but they don't seem to see how much it effects me. How much it hurts me to be the way I am and the pressure I put on myself to try and make this easier for them. I'm trying so hard to get back to normal and I can't. Not right now.

I can't understand what's wrong with me and thats incredibly frustrating because it means that I don't know how to fix myself.

I feel like a puzzle with a piece missing. You can see the whole image but the missing piece annoys you. If only you could find the missing piece, the puzzle would be so beautiful if it was complete. The way you remember it. The way it's supposed to be. The way everyone expects it to be.

I want to be this person. I wish it was as easy as deciding that as of tomorrow I'm going to be better and everything will just disappear. I've tried, believe me I've tried.

So for today, I just feel tired and emotional. But tomorrow I'm just going to have to try again. And the next day I'll try again. One day at a time until things get better, no matter how long that takes.

Monday, 18 November 2013

The ugly line

All to often you hear girls talking about what they hate about themselves, they talk about everything from chunky toes to wobbly tummies. The advice that is given to them is to learn to love every inch of their external selves, to embrace the differences and forget about being skinny and focus on being healthy.

I personally don't care about my chubby thighs or pudgy fingers, the part of my body that I hate the most is the large jagged scar that runs from the bottom of my belly button to just below my hip line. It's something I can't change, something I can't remove and oddly enough, something that essentially saved my life.

That's the thing with most surgery, they don't do it if they don't have to. Without the ugly line on my tummy, I would have eventually had a 3kg cyst burst around my vital organs. If I could pick a way to leave the earth, a giant cyst rupturing inside me wouldn't make the list.

So, why do I hate it so much?

I hate looking at my stomach because it's a constant reminder of my internal imperfection. It's there every day and when I look at it I just feel angry. If it wasn't there, my life would be different. I'd have a full set of reproductive organs and maybe I'd have a family already.

But it's there because it has to be.

My doctor got up me when I complained about it.  She said that although it makes things harder it's better than not existing, which was the alternative. She's a lovely lady who had twins via IVF due to similar circumstances to my own. She's incredibly positive and exactly what I need right now.

Tomorrow I have to get yet another blood test, show yet another doctor my scar, explain my story again and get another scan to try and find out what's hiding underneath. Worst case scenario, we'll need to add another scar. Best case, it's just 1 hour and 20 minutes of my time spent.

Learning to love part of yourself is hard. Learning to love something that symbolises what you see as a major flaw is harder.

Sunday, 10 November 2013

I needed a break

What a difference a little time makes! When I posted my last post I was pretty much at rock bottom, but a few weeks have passed and I'm feeling much better.

There were a number of people that offered support and advice about our situation which was really lovely. One text message and a call to medicare later, it appears that we've got another option as far as IVF funding is concerned. We have to jump through a few hoops but we're back on track with having it as a viable option! It's pretty much the best news that we could ever have received.

Our private health care provider handled our situation terribly. The information they provided was not only incorrect but also delivered in a really insensitive way. It's safe to say that we have cancelled our policy and will never have to deal with them again. A formal complaint has been lodged and hopefully someone will get reprimanded. I can't help but wonder just how many other couples have been fed the same information. It makes me really angry to think that there may be others under the impression that their options are limited when in reality they aren't.

So, tomorrow I have another appointment with my doctor. Hopefully we'll get a little more information, a scan referral to check on how things are going physically and a referral to the endocrinologist to see how my hormones levels are going and tweak them a little. Hopefully we'll be able to see a noticeable difference from last time and if all goes well I'll also be able to finally start some anxiety medication which will, with any luck, help me get my emotions back under control.

Our fertility journey has been a weird one, it's had it's up and downs and although we don't have a baby in our arms just yet, I choose to believe that we're making progress every day. It's hard to "let it go" and "move on" with our lives, but we have to. We don't have to forget what we want and we don't have to give up, we just have to find a better way to pass the time. I struggle with that a little. 

I feel like putting this whole journey aside is just like giving up, but it can't be because I'll never forget about my dreams of parenthood. I just need to pursue something different for a while to let my heart heal. Allowing myself to heal isn't giving up, it's letting myself get stronger and find emotionally healthy ways to fight harder. To prepare myself for what will be in the future, for things that I don't know now. Every day is different, every day the game can change. 

I need to be happy, healthy and ready to give it all that I can. I want so hard to believe that I'm ready, but in all honesty, I'm not. I'm not ready for the next part of our journey, so we have to postpone the trip. Not cancel it, just postpone it. When Schneider Airways is ready to fly again, we'll board the plane, but while it's down for maintenance we'll just have to change our plans a little and enjoy where we are right now.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is not think. Not wonder. Not imagine. Not obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Sometimes the bright side is hard to find.

If I had to explain my experience with infertility, it would be as follows;

Infertility is very much like living in a constant state of heartbreak. It's like being so totally and utterly in love with someone you've only dreamt of and then being told that you can never meet them. 

Every where I go, there is a Mum feeding her baby or a Dad pushing a stroller or a Grandmother trying to wrangle a toddler. Every time I log onto a computer I see pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and photos of children everywhere. Every time I read a magazine there is a story about some celebrity and their child. Every news program I watch talks about families. Every where I look, there is a some kind of reminder of something that I'm struggling to achieve. 

Infertility is something I can't ever escape. Nothing will ever be able to satisfy my want for my own biological child. I want to be able to look into my child's eyes and know that it's here because I loved his or her daddy so much that I wanted to be connected to him forever.

The hardest part for me is the constant jealousy. I don't hate people that have children, nor would I ever begrudge them their families because honestly, I would never wish infertility on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. But when I see the love between a parent and child it makes my heart ache.

Children have this way of seeing past their parents flaws and loving them anyway. Some parents are awful, some can barely provide food and clothing and others appear to verbally abuse their children. Yet their children love them anyway. 

Thats the worst part, the love. Because as a person going through infertility, I have all this love in my heart and the thought of never being able to cuddle or tell our baby that I love it is often unbearable. 

I see how much love children bring to their families. Not just their parents but their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins ect. It's really hard to cope with the fact that I'm not able to provide that to my family. I can't make my mother a grandmother and I can't make my sister an aunt. I mourn the fact that I won't be able to pass on the things I love about being a sister and an aunt onto my child. It may just end with me. I may be the last link in my chain.

I'm not mad that other people are happy, I just don't know if I'm ever going to be able to be that happy and it breaks my heart. I don't know how I'm going to mend it and find happiness outside parenthood when it's all I've ever wanted.

I've waited patiently for so long and I'm emotionally exhausted. It's a constant hurt and ache that just won't go away. It's relentless. I try so hard to be strong but it's like carrying a rock around and not knowing if you're ever going to be able to put it down.

I know that a lot of people will start asking me about other options. What about adoption? What about foster care?  What about IVF?

We've considered them all and while I won't go into detail right now, the biggest factor relating to all of them is that they all require huge amounts of money that we just don't have. 

IVF was an option until Friday last week when I was informed that our private health fund wouldn't cover any of it because they deem my situation as pre-existing.

So there it is. I'm heartbroken. Completely and utterly heartbroken.

The past few days I've struggled to hold in the tears. I know life goes on and I know that the future is uncertain. I have hope that our prayers will be answered eventually, it might take 5 years, it might take longer. But I will never give up hope that we'll welcome Baby Schneider into our arms one day.

Until then, we're going to try and pick ourselves up and concentrate on building a life without children. I have no doubt that it's going to be difficult but I really don't know what else to do. 

We're still going to go see another fertility specialist in January and see if there is any form of natural or trial treatment available for us and our particular circumstance. If eating weird things and dancing naked in the moonlight had even a slight chance of working, I'll do it. 

I was born to be a mother and I won't go down without a fight.

What heartbreak looks like. - This is so much more than words.

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Some days are more difficult than others.

This afternoon was really difficult, for hours I sorted through all the baby things that we've accumulated over the past 3 years. Until today everything has been stored in large bags, so every year I sort through it to ensure that everything is still clean and that there are no issues with bugs or any other nasties.

Honestly, It's hard every year. I don't know why I expected it to be easier this year but I did. 4 items caught my attention today and I can't help but feel a bit emotional about all of it. 

When Phil & I first started talking seriously about having a baby, we were so excited and decided to mark the occasion by buying something that we would pass on to our baby once he or she arrived. On September 19th, 2010 we bought an orange octopus that plays different sounds when you squeeze It's legs. Over the years we've bought numerous items and nursery accessories to fit a sea theme in order to centre around the octopus. We had big dreams but we've got empty arms.

A year passed and still no baby. It was ok because we were newlyweds and my dress wouldn't have been suitable for a bump anyway. On our honeymoon we bought a rainbow pram blanket from the Salamanca Markets in Hobart, Tasmania. It was the start of our new lives together and we were getting ready to move out of my parents house. Things were looking up and we thought that maybe 2012 would be the year we finally had our baby. 

Another year passed and still no baby. When the opportunity came up, I couldn't help myself and I bought a NSW State of Origin nappy. Sadly, parenthood wasn't on the cards for us that year.

Yet another year passed and again, no baby. We did buy a cute little shirt that year though. The shirt says "Does not compute" and as soon as we saw it we knew we had to have it. Phil's life is computers so it just seemed perfect.

We are now in our 4th year and won't be buying anything for Baby Schneider because this year I'm working really hard at letting it go and accepting that maybe parenthood isn't in our immediate future.

Lets face it, I don't even know where to begin sorting out the emotional mess that exists in my heart.

Tomorrow we're packing everything up into proper airtight storage containers and making space for it in the garage with the rest of our junk. There won't be any need to sort through it again and there will be no new additions. It'll just be 4 boxes of stuff sitting in the garage.

Monday, 21 October 2013

Optimism, Courage, Fear & Humanity.

The words "Optimism is the foundation of courage" are ones that came from the mouth of a Mr Nicholas Murray Butler. Don't know who this is? Neither do I, but Google says he was an American Educator, Philosopher and Diplomat from April 1862 to December 1947. A wise man? maybe. But I bet he didn't know this quote was going to stick around for 66 years after his death. But here it is.

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer" said US General George S. Patterson. I bet he never imagined that those 7 words would still have an impact on the world 68 years later, but again, here they are.

Benjamin Disraeli, a British conservative politician, writer and aristocrat once said "Fear makes us feel our humanity"and it's as relevant today as it was back in 1800's. 

So what's my point? Why am I writing about these men? Simple. Because their words have really helped me when I've struggled. They've helped me see another side of life, given a different perspective. Their words are as relevant now in 2013 as they were to the people they were intended for decades ago. Powerful stuff isn't it. The worlds you speak today could potentially proceed you for decades and you'll never even know about it.

Just a thought for the night.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Lazy Weekends

This past Friday, Saturday and Sunday have been really great days. I'm glad you can't actually wish away time because If I had skipped past the rest of October like I wanted to in my last post, I wouldn't have experienced this weekend.

Friday was a great day and just seemed to be the positive kick I needed to set the tone for the whole weekend. It ended up being the date of Birth of not 1 but 2 people, my friend of many years Mr M and also little Miss L, the newborn daughter of a good friend of mine.

After hearing the news of Miss L's arrival, we left home to celebrate Mr M's birthday by attending a dinner at a local pub and dressing up like nerds. It was really lovely to catch up with friends and see some other people we hadn't seen for a while. The food was great and the night was just really low key and fun spirited. We had a great time. It was a great way to wind down after a busy day at work. It just seemed to be a wonderful night and happiness and love filled my heart.

Saturday was a day of relaxing. I spent the most part watching a TV show called Catfish. The hosts Nev & Max are so attractive, it's really a pleasure to watch. Aside from watching this show, Phil & I went to the Handmade Expo and had a look around for Christmas gifts. We didn't find anything that really jumped out, but we did buy a bag of sweet and salty popcorn - YUM! It's so good! It's also full of sugar but I'm choosing to ignore that.

Saturday night we went into the City to celebrate Miss B's birthday at a little Greek restaurant. We sat at a long table on the footpath and it was really nice to be outside in the fresh air. We ate all different types of food, most I had never had before, but it was all really yummy. Phil & I were impressed. We had a great night and were even entertained by a man attempting to break in to an apartment above the shops across the road. The Cops that came to investigate but we were pretty sure he had just locked himself out. We did have to leave early and pretty abruptly due to my anxiety kicking a stink, but I made it to dessert and although I feel awful about leaving, I know that she understands why. It sucks sometimes but it's always easier when you surround yourself with people that make it easier.

Once we got home, we dragged all of our bedding into the lounge room and camped on the floor for the night. We watched a few movies and ate more of our market popcorn. It was nice to have a little "us" time. We went to bed just after 2 am so it wasn't half surprising when we didn't wake up until just before 11am.

Sunday afternoon we had brunch on the back patio in the sun and breeze. It was lovely. I had Avo & Eggs on toast and Phil had chips from the local take away shop. I sent him for bread and he came back with chips for breakfast, typical man! He did also bring me the Christmas edition of Better Homes and Gardens Magazine so he was quickly forgiven.

After breakfast I went to lay on the floor of my relaxation room and read my magazine while listening to the radio. I'm in love with the digital radio station Smooth FM. It's great for people who suffer from Stress and Anxiety as it is true easy listening. I find myself talking to the radio sometimes, call me crazy but I find it so relaxing!

Now I'm going to go and finish up some patterns that I've been working on for the past week. I think my elephant pattern is coming along nicely, so hopefully it'll be finished soon and I can get started!

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Self Awareness - Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about self awareness and the top 10 things that I've recently discovered about myself. Whilst the list wasn't intentionally negative, upon reflection I see that it could very likely come across that way. So tonight I'm going to flip it up and write about 10 things that might be more positive about me.

Finding the positive is really difficult for me. By nature, I'm a pessimist and rather cynical so feeling good about myself is not something that comes naturally. I rely a lot on other people to pep me up and thrive off positive feedback. I am slowly learning to become more comfortable with myself but for now that's still a work in progress.

So, here is the top 10 things I feel are positive about me;
  1. I'm intelligent. When I focus, I find that I'm able to learn and process information quickly. I constantly surprise people with the amount of random knowledge I have about various things.

  2. I don't often lose my temper and I'm not an angry person. Like anyone I have my moments but I generally let things go quite quickly.

  3. I'm quite funny. It makes me feel exceptionally good when I'm able to make people laugh.

  4. I'm very open. Some people may not think that this is a particularly good thing but you always know where you stand with me. If I'm upset with you, you'll know about it because I'm not usually one to pussy foot around. 

  5. I am particularly level headed in medical situations, I'm obviously not a doctor but I am often able to correctly identify potential issues and offer advice about treating symptoms until professional advice and treatment can be given. I have a fair bit of basic medical knowledge as I used to read medical journals and text books when I was younger. I also have basic first aid and triage training due to my experience with cadets.

  6. I'm loyal and generous in my friendship with others. I'm a big believer that friendship is a 2 way street, so when I feel that the other person is putting effort into it, I am loyal and protective. I do what ever it takes to ensure that they are happy and when they come to me with an issue I generally feel as though I need to fix it. That being said, I don't chase people when they retreat from me. I refuse to maintain one sided friendships. Friendship is tricky but it doesn't work if you don't put effort into it. Some people are in your life for a long time and others are in it for a good time. I'd rather look back on a good friendship and let it go when it's run it's course instead of trying to put all my energy and time into salvaging it when the other person has already checked out. 

  7. I am rather crafty. I enjoy creating things and I like drawing up my own patterns for needlework and then bringing it to life. I love making things for people and my creative ability comes in handy a lot in life.

  8. I talk A LOT but I'm also a good listener. I enjoy hearing about other peoples lives and problems and I'm always eager to know more about people in general. That being said, I like to offer alternative perspectives when I feel people are being too narrow minded.

  9. I am very compassionate and caring. I can easily put things aside and offer myself up when other people are in need. I enjoy offering advice and support to people.

  10. I'm thoughtful and I remember the special little things. I like to remind people about all the good things that contribute to who they are. 

So there they are, the top 10 positive things that I believe make me who I am. This list took me over an hour to put together and honestly, I really struggled. If you've got any more to add please share them with me, I could certainly use the self esteem boost!

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Self awareness

Recently I've been thinking about myself as a person and all the things I like and dislike about myself. I can assure you that this isn't even the slightest bit enjoyable, however I would be lying if I said that it wasn't eye opening.

It's helpful when you're self aware, life just seems a little easier when you're able to take a step back and realise why you get the reactions you get and try and look at yourself and your life from a different perspective.

I've found the whole activity oddly liberating. Some things I want to try and actively change, but other things I'm happy to continue with.

There are a number of things I've noticed, but here are the top 10;

  1. I unintentionally come across as though I'm trying to One-up people when I'm trying to contribute to a conversation. No one has ever pointed this out, but I know I do it.

  2. I over think almost everything. I don't think I'm able to just take something for what it is.

  3. I get incredibly frustrated when people don't understand things that I perceive as common sense.

  4. My laugh is incredibly annoying. It's funny at first but gets really annoying very quickly.

  5. I over talk so much that I often forget the point I was going to make and end up telling a 15 minute story about something completely unrelated. This is generally because I get caught up in details and get so sidetracked that I forget to go back to my original train of thought.

  6. I talk really really loud and even when I attempt to quiet down, my voice is still far too loud.

  7. I take criticism really personally even though I know I shouldn't. No matter what form, I feel like I'm personally being attacked.

  8. I have a constant need to be right. If I am sure of my facts, I will often argue it until I'm blue in the face. I'll find books and articles that support my view and send them to the person days later if I feel they aren't convinced that I'm right. It's not because I'm trying to be an arse, it's because I want people to be educated and hate the idea of people going around spreading incorrect information.

  9. I'm overly sensitive to light and sound. Loud noises and certain sounds make me really angry (i.e the sound of fingernails scratching skin) and if a place is not well lit I usually get a headache.

  10. I put myself down a lot because I think people will find it funny but when they laugh I feel bad about myself.
Not all of them are so bad but a lot of them are things that are annoying and contribute to the reason people dislike me. I'm not saying this in self pity, I know that some people don't notice these things and it doesn't bother them, but other people do and they can't stand it. It's life. Some people like you and some people don't. You just have to be yourself and let them make up their own minds.

I guess it's easy to think of all the things you dislike about yourself, but it's important to realise that some of these things are what others love about you. I know this because my husband has been reading this list over my shoulder as I write it and he had said a number of times that some of the points are things he loves about me. I admit that I find that hard to wrap my head around but I still feel comforted by it.

Monday, 14 October 2013

Standing Tall

Well this month has proven to be one of the hardest ones this year. We're only 14 days in but I'm already done with October.

I guess I wish it was November because I know that I won't feel the same as I do now in a few weeks time. Like all things, time is the only sure fire way to move past something. Time heals all wounds, or so they say.

So why has it been so difficult? Well, it appears that a number of people found an effective way to warm up during the winter and as a result there has been a mini boom in pregnancy announcements. By mini boom I actually only mean 4, but seeing as though they all  happen to be due within a week or so of each other, I think I can get away with calling it a boom. 

I think it's important to explain that I am not resentful or angry at these women, my feelings all stem from selfish frustration. Yep. I admit it. I feel like this because I'm selfish and a little bitter. Instead of being happy for them, I'm consumed with how I feel about it. I generally deal with these things really well, but 4 at once was a bit much.

I feel frustrated because I should have been next. 

Do I think these women will be great mothers? YES! 
Do I think they deserve to be happy? YES! 
Am I happy for them? YES! 
Am I jealous? YES!

So there it is. I'm jealous of these ladies and the wonderful gifts that god has given them. 

This isn't about fairness or anger, it's ultimately about feeling like a failure. I feel like a failure to myself, my husband and our parents. I feel like I'm not able to do what I should be able to and it's incredibly frustrating to see other people get what I want. Jealousy is a terrible feeling and something I feel awful about letting into my heart. I couldn't stop it this time, I tried but I couldn't do it.

I guess this whole baby thing is a bit like a row of skill testers, we each put in our $2 coin and we all have a chance of winning. Every one has a few go's and then they walk off with a prize, but I keep playing and every time my claw returns empty. 

Maybe it's more like a lottery? We all buy tickets every month and we all have an even chance of winning. I'm just waiting for my numbers to come up.

If there is one good things that comes out of this, it's the fact that I have a renewed appreciation of my friend Miss B. She's been amazing during the past few weeks and she's always told me what I've needed to hear instead of what she thinks I want to hear. She's my little voice of reason when I'm anything but rational. I'm really lucky to have her, she's a beautiful woman and a great friend.

I've also got to thank my wonderful husband for putting up with me and my frustration. I'm sure I'm not exactly the easiest person to deal with when I'm in my little moods but he's really stepped up and let me get it all out without judgement or too much frustration. 

On the 2 occasions that I was really upset about this, these two were on it straight away. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy that I have such a great little support network.

I know it must be difficult to be my friend sometimes. I often think about that. I'm at a point in my life where it seems like I need so much more from others then I'm able to give them in return, but I am always always always here for them and I really hope they know that. Always.

So I'm choosing to stand tall now and be happy. I'm letting the frustration and jealousy go because It's no good for my heart and I want to be excited and happy for the new additions that will be welcomed into the world in April/May next year. I'll get a few baby cuddles for my birthday in June and my Facebook will light up with photos of beautiful little people. How I can I be sad about that?

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Cha cha cha changes

Tonight I realised that there are less than 3 months left of the year! Sneaky little thing, it feels like only a few months ago that I was welcoming in 2013 on the grass at Southbank with my husband and our good friends. There was something special that night, we really thought that 2013 was going to be our year and the excitement about what was to come filled our hearts with joy.

10 months and a few bumps in the road later, here we are! So it turns out that 2013 didn't exactly live up to expectation, but I've actually managed to learn a lot about where we're going in life. Even though the road has been a bit rough, I can't help but feel thankful for all of it.

2014 is going to be our year. January brings the start of a new chapter in our lives and the start of a renewed commitment to Baby Schneider. After 3 years we've pretty much done all we can without any serious assistance, so we're going to the big leagues! We have an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and we're taking the first steps into medical intervention.

The thought of moving onto this next stage of our fertility journey is actually really scary. I often find myself wondering about where we're going to find the money, how we're going to cope as a couple and rather selfishly, how I'm going to handle this myself.  I can't help but think about my body being filled with harsh medications, the insides of my most private areas being being poked and prodded and all the needles that will be piercing my skin, but as awful as it seems sometimes, I always feel excited. I feel like I'm giving Baby Schneider that best chance possible to find his or her way here to us.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid, but I'm going to embrace the change and have faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

Thursday, 3 October 2013


Love is not only a feeling, it is an action.
Only sometimes we have to show it, even when we don't feel it.
Very few people realise that it's a choice that can effect your whole life.
Even when it hurts, it never ends. 

It's about saying I do and I will
Sometimes we need to make sacrifices, but it's always worth it.

Although love is unconditional, you must never ask how others can love you more.
Love is about giving all you have and asking for nothing in return.
We have friends, siblings and family to keep our hearts full.
Almost any situation can be made better by showing love.
You might not always know it, but so many people love you.
Someone may be thinking about you right now.

Where we find love can be surprising.
One of the best ways to love is to forgive.
Reconciliation can lead to wonderful things.
There is always a risk of a broken heart, but that shouldn't stop you.
How do you know when it's real? You don't.

I like to think that love is a surprise.
The best things in life are often stumbled upon, not pursued.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Don't be confined by your limits

Recently I've been thinking about limits. Everyone has a limit don't they? How long they'll tolerate a rude relative, how much cake they are willing to consume before counting the calories or even how much they are willing to sacrifice for someone or something. 

Limits can be emotional, physical and even mathematical. They exist as a "do not cross" barrier that prevents us from over committing, over exerting and over doing.

I have limits. As much as I'd like to do everything on my bucket list, I'm limited to the amount of money I have, the time I have to dedicate to it and the area in which I am willing to travel.

All my life I was told I could do anything. I could be whoever I wanted to be and I could do everything I wanted to do. I was told that this is my life and that I shouldn't miss out on any of the experiences it offers. Now this sentiment is awe inspiring when you're young, you feel like the world is your oyster and that the possibilities are endless. 

The trouble is that no one tells you that you can do anything but not everything. You have to make choices. You can only choose to do so much and not everything is within your limits. That doesn't mean you can't dream big, it just means that you have to be happy and live in the here and now.

It seems kind of depressing when you put it like that, but it's not. It's life.

I choose to do what makes me happy and whilst not all my dreams are currently achievable, I'm constantly adjusting to my circumstance. That's all you can do isn't it? Adjust.

So for now I'm going to be happy with what I can do and dream about the things that are currently outside my reach. I might not ever get to do all the things I want to do in my life time, but I'm going to what I can, as I can.

So what if you never get to experience the feeling of 6 figures in your bank account, so what if you never get to stand at the top of the empire state building... You can't let the limits confine you, you just have to use them to your advantage the best way you can.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

I surrender but I'll be ok

I surrender. I haven't quit, I've just ceased resistance against something that I have no control over. I can't fight anymore. Instead, I'm going to let the uncontrollable forces do what they will and learn to deal with the result. 

Sourced via Google

I'm not going to lie, it feels a bit like giving up. Either way, the result is the same - disappointment.

I think it's true that no matter how much your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, your dreams will come true. So I will continue to believe and hope, but I will not fight. The fight is only ultimately against myself and I can't keep hating myself for something I can't change. I'm going to work harder at creating a better me, but not because I have to, not for Baby Schneider, not for my family or my friends or because anyone thinks I should. I'm going to do it for me because I want to. I need to be the best person I can be simply for me, not for anyone else. Just for me.

If there is one thing I've learnt from this whole experience, it's that no matter how much your heart breaks, no matter how much it feels so sore you can't breathe, the world won't stop to acknowledge it. life goes on.

The self loathing needs to end. No amount of hate is going to make this process any better. I need to work at forgiving myself and shaping a better mind and body for my life.

I'm so so sorry Baby Schneider, it feels like I'm giving up on you but I promise I'm not. I'm going to make myself better and let you decide when the time is right instead of pushing myself and hating myself for the fact that you're not here. I have no real control over you. All you need to know is that your future Mummy and Daddy love you very much and we're ready when you're ready. We want you more than we've ever wanted anything, but we'll wait and we'll keep hoping and believing that when the time is right, you'll come to us. 

So for now I surrender. For now I'm putting down my weapons and I'm going to use my effort to make myself a better person. I'm so consumed by hate and anger and I can't carry on like this. I won't let these feelings win. I am so much more then a mother in waiting. My self worth can't be solely based on my ability to create life. I want to be a great person.

I will be a great person.

Monday, 30 September 2013

Book Review: Wedding Night by Sophie Kinsella

It took me 2 day to finally finish Wedding Night by Sophie Kinsella. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, it's just that I was a little disappointed as it became clear only a few chapters into it, that it didn't live up to my existing expectation of this particular author. I have to admit, I was excited to see this book on the shelf and it took a whole 2 seconds for me to decide to purchase it, It just wasn't the quality I've come to expect.


Lottie and Fliss are sisters, like most sisters they don't often see eye to eye. Fliss is the eldest and due to a series of unfortunate events, she had to take on a motherly role back they were children. Now as 30 something year olds, both sisters live opposite lives. Fliss is going through a messy divorce and Lottie is still desperately trying to find "the one". Sick of dating duds and still mourning the loss of her last relationship with commitment phobe Richard, Lottie leaps into marriage two feet first when her old flame Ben comes back into her life after 15 years and professes his love for her. Obviously she's crazy. Fliss thinks so anyway, so she tries to protect her sister by postponing the wedding at 1 days notice. Just as Fliss thinks she's bought some time to talk some sense into Lottie, things take a turn and suddenly everything is going wrong. Lottie is married and on her way to the Greek Islands on a dream honeymoon and a determined Fliss boards the next plane with plans to end this mistake of a marriage, whether Lottie likes it or not.

My Thoughts: 

This whole novel is just a series of unfortunate events that just snowball into crazy town. The characters are not very relatable and the storyline basically revolves around preventing Lottie and Ben from consummating their marriage. If you're not a fan of reading about sex, this book is not for you. 

The book is written in first person narrative and it jumps between Fliss and Lottie. It's well written but lacks the spark you expect from Sophie Kinsella novels. That being said, it's laugh out loud funny in parts and is generally quite enjoyable. I did find that some parts dragged on a little, but  it's a good read, even though it's not exactly the kind of book that you wouldn't want to put down. It would be a great beach or lazy day read, but don't expect feel any real sense of accomplishment when you finish reading it.

If you would like to purchase this book, you can buy it online here

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

You've got to love what you do

I often find myself torn between planning for the future and living in the moment. I'm a massive planner, I need to feel like I have control over things in order to function. The unpredictable side of life holds my biggest fears. I don't trust easily and I don't possess nearly as much faith as I should.

I constantly wonder about various aspects of my life. I feel stuck in a holding pattern but I haven't got a clue what I'm waiting for. Do you ever feel like that? It's like waiting for a train without knowing the timetable, it's on its way, but who know how long you'll have to wait?

What I lack in faith and patience, I make up in passion. I'm an incredibly passionate person. If I find something I love, I throw myself into it full force and both feet at the same time. I must admit, this gets me into trouble. I guess the point is that I'm a bit of a all or nothing kind of girl.

At this point in my life, my biggest worry is my job. I love my job, I love the people and I really love that I only have to go for 3 days a week. What I don't love is the fact that I feel unmotivated. I feel comfortable and I don't like that. The person I used to be wasn't a settler. I used to fight until I got what I wanted. I used to throw caution to the wind and take chances. Now I do what I do to get by. No chances, no excitement, no passion, just the same thing every day.

I want more. I want to be passionate again. I want to do something I love and I want to throw myself into it with reckless abandonment. I want to know that I'm working for something that benefits the world. I want to help the world and I want to do it now.

It's hard having big dreams and very little ability to achieve them. I'll get there though, even if it takes me the next 10 years. I'm going to do something I love. I'm going to make a difference.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Book review: The Wish list - Jane Costello

I read, a lot. It's something I really enjoy doing and to be able to share my thoughts on a book with other people is also something I would love to be able to do. Sadly my book club folded at the end of last year and I still haven't had a chance to find a new one. So I thought i'd bring my love of literature to my blog with some book reviews. So, first up is The Wish List by Jane Costello. I literally finished 22 minutes ago so I'm writing with it fresh in my mind. Here we go!



Emma is approaching her 30th birthday when she finds a copy of a wish list she and her friends made when they were 15. Upon reflection, she realises that she hasn't managed to fulfil a single one of the 12 items on the list. With her birthday only a few months away, she resolves to tick each of the items off one by one with the goal of completing her list before she farewells her twenties. 

My thoughts: 

I'm a massive fan of chick lit and I have a particular soft spot for Author Sophie Kinsella. With a recommendation written right on the front cover, it was only fitting that I take the book home and add it to my pile. From page 1 it had me hooked, it wasn't the kind of book that you couldn't put down, but it was witty and funny and I was determined to finish it.

This isn't a book about fairy tale romance, it's both relatable and down to earth. I laughed and I cried, I really felt like I was peering into the life of a real person. 

Emma is hilariously sarcastic and clumsy, her friends are the kind of people you would want to hang around in real life and even though things don't always go right, this group of girls largely remain positive and supportive of each other. Each girl has their own sub-story and I found myself wishing I could give them advice. 

The only thing I didn't like about this book was the fact that it was quite cookie cutter as far as Chick lit goes. All books of this genre tend to work off the same template, so it wasn't exactly unpredictable. That being said, it was still enjoyable and while I wouldn't put it in my pile of books to read again, I would certainly recommend it.

If you would like to purchase this book, you can buy it online here.

Monday, 23 September 2013

5 things I'll never understand

I'm the kind of person who makes judgements on items based on both functionality and practicality and I make my mind up using rational and logical thought processes.  I don't often get "swept up" in the hype and a lot of the time I sit back and wait for things to be tested by the people who jump right in. It's safe to say that new is not always better.

That being said, there are a number of things that I'll never really understand. The top 5 are as follows;
  1. Clutter - I will never be able to get my head around excessive nic nac's and piles of stuff laying around. I don't begrudge people the choice to hoard items, but try as I might, I've never been able to understand why anyone would want to be surrounded by things. Clutter makes me feel claustrophobic. I'm a believer in having a place for everything and having everything in it's place.

  2. People who firmly believe circumcision is ok - Does this really need an explanation? Who in their right mind can honestly say that chopping of the tip of a baby's penis is a good idea? You wouldn't cut bits off baby girls so you shouldn't cut bits off baby boys. Would a man choose to chop the tip off his penis off at 18? unlikely! So unless it's necessary for medical treatment, it should be left alone! Simple.

  3. Thermomix - I understand that people want to spend less time preparing meals but I cannot understand why anyone would pay in excess of $1500 for this convenience. Spending that much money on a kitchen appliance just screams crazy to me. I've seen it work up close and I've heard friends talk about how quick it is but as impressive as it seems, it doesn't change my stance. When people say that it replaces other kitchen appliances, I can't help but wonder what they are talking about exactly. To chop things I use a Knife and board, to boil or steam I use a saucepan and to fry I use a fry pan. What do other people use? it's never going to replace an oven or a stove top so I just can't even begin to try and justify the cost. Bellini offers a cheaper equivalent for under $300 and the reviews say its very comparable in use and quality for most recipes. For personal use, why would you spend $1500+ when you could spend $300?

  4. Financial ignorance - What's the deal with people purchasing big ticket items they can't afford? Just because the bank says you can afford to buy a 500k house and a 40k car, doesn't mean you should. Our bank is willing to lend us crazy amounts of money but we would be eating 2 minute noodles every night if we ever took up their offer. I can understand accidentally maxing out a credit card, but I can't understand getting a second to pay off the first. Financial ignorance is ripe throughout my generation and more and more people are signing contracts and taking on financial commitments that they have no means of fulfilling. It's so important to look before you leap when it comes to taking out loans of any kind. Foreclosure and bankruptcy are not the kind of life experience you should ever have to worry about.

  5. Tough love - In my personal opinion, being cruel is never being kind despite what certain sayings might have you believe. Breaking someone down to build them back up again is still ultimately breaking someone down regardless of your intentions. No one ever deserves to be treated badly "for their own good". There is huge difference between holding someone responsible for their actions and berating them for their actions in the hope that it will prevent them from repeating it in the future. Tough love is simply an excuse to write off negative emotional outbursts.

Just because I don't understand these things, It doesn't mean that I believe that the people that do or own them are terrible. Lets face it, I don't understand molecular physics but that doesn't mean that I think it's bad. It's all just a personal opinion and just because it might differ from yours, it doesn't mean either view is more correct then the other.

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Back on the horse

Well, that was a crazy few days! Big thanks to the few people who jumped on my last post and bombarded with me with support and offers to talk. I really appreciated the concern, it was very kind.

I guess that I should just reiterate that the previous post was about putting feelings into words, more so then thoughts into words. The hardest thing to understand about depression is the fact that your thoughts and feelings often won't match. I've had days where I've sat in bed and bombarded my thought process with positivity while also crying my eyes out and feeling physically sick. Trying to tell yourself that you're ok whilst you're almost throwing up because you've been crying so much is pointless. It's at that point that you can lose control and that's what was happening to me. I let it all overwhelm me and knock me down. I'm back on the horse now though.

Now, on to something a bit lighter.

Did you know that Christmas is only 98 days away! We're in double digits people.

Christmas is my favourite time of the year, I just love the decorations, christmas carols, store displays and putting up the tree and lights. Everything about Christmas is exciting.

So last night we decided that our new family activity would be to make home made gift tags and cards for this year. We both made a few different ones and I was pleasantly surprised at just how much effort we were actually willing to put into it. I love craft but Phil isn't much into anything that doesn't involve an electronic component. It was however a lot of fun.

Today I woke up and read some more of my book and took myself out to breakfast. In case you haven't realised, I'm really hard on myself. I see my inability to do things as failure and I don't forgive myself for not living up to my own expectations. I needed a bit of me time to contemplate my next move. I need to be nicer to myself, if only that wasn't so difficult.

I was still in a crafty mood when I got home so I decided to make the paper pom-pom that I bought as a kit from a vintage bridal fair a few months ago. It's rather cute and I'm pretty happy with it, not bad for $4. I just have to find somewhere to put it! I didn't think about that before making it. Whoops! 

It's got little hearts on it!
This afternoon I'm planning on cleaning the floors again, they are looking pretty average after the rain yesterday. I also intend on making some baked goods and cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom. Not exactly the most exciting way to spend an afternoon, but when things need to be done someones got to do them.

So I guess I'll end this by saying that I apologise to anyone who may have been offended by my previous post. It's hard to understand what to say or do when you're faced with something you may not know much about, so after reflection I feel it's safe to say that it was unfair of me to have such a big expectation of people in my life. I know that the post had a general feeling on unhappiness with my family and friends, but I can assure you that this isn't the case. I know that I am very loved and that I always have support if I ask for it. I just forget that sometimes.

I'm doing much better and I look forward to getting better and feeling back to normal soon. In the mean time, I'm going to continue to try and choose happiness and seek professional assistance with my issues. 

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Depression in words.

The only person you've ever fully connected to is gone and you feel disconnected from the only other person who's supposed to understand you. He just doesn't understand and you're not sure he ever will. You can't blame him though. He didn't sign up for this. But then again, neither did you.

You feel like you're floating in the ocean but no matter how much effort you put into swimming to shore, it just doesn't get any closer. You feel alone and tired.

The problem is that you're starting to sink again, you can feel it. You're aware of it but you're struggling to find a way to signal for help. Pride and determination rip the words please help me from your vocabulary, you wonder how you're going to signal a life boat.

When you do try and speak, the words don't come out, its frustrating. You want to say how you feel and let it go but instead you say you're ok. It's just easier that way. People see a change in you but they don't know what to do, so they do nothing. It's just as well, you don't want your words thrown back at you later anyway. Lets face it, they prefer it when you're down. They know you'll be fine, you always are. It's the same story over and over.

Friends dissapear, you're just being stupid again. They've had enough of you. You're negative, you don't even try. You choose to feel this way. There is always drama when you're around. They have no idea. But it's not their problem so they back away. Someone else will help you won't they? You wonder why you feel so disconnected. There's your answer.

You can't sleep and you cry at night. You wish you had just one person you could confide in. You want to be listened to. You talk constantly but no one ever really hears you. You want to find a person who believes in you and understands you, someone who you can be honest with. You don't need an opinion or judgement, you just need to be heard and to be supported and encouraged to get better. Everyone else seems to have that one person that they connect with, so why not you? Is it because you're not good enough?

The thoughts of inadequacy start to conume you again. You're never going to be good enough are you? You're always going to be a failure.

You're getting in too deep again. You knew this would happen. It's just a war against yourself. Will anyone notice this time? You don't hold your breath.

It's always you. You know you're the only person who will tread the water.

It's not suprising that you dislike people. You give so much and get so little in return. You've given so much of yourself to others that you're not even sure who you are anymore. You just know that the core is empty and struggling.

You blame everyone else, but you know it's all your fault. Thats what they tell you anyway. You can't give up. You won't.

You'll be ok, you always are.

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Sick and Tired

This morning I got up and noticed that something wasn't quite right when I walked up to the mirror. My eyes were incredibly red and watery, I tried to stop them but they just wouldn't clear up. I decided to ignore it and get dressed for work. Eventually they eased up a little and I just got on with it.

I was dropped at work and walked through the door, the first person to see me instantly asked if I was feeling ok. The answer was No. No I wasn't feeling ok. I felt like death warmed up. So after a solid 28 minutes I left. I arrived home to a overwhelming urge to throw up and then it began!

So today I've spend the entire day napping, drinking water and attempting to recover from whatever it is that has decided to infect me like the plague. Not exactly how I intended on spending my day. Yuck Yuck Yuck!

As a way of coping with my awful day, I decided to build towers with blocks. It sounds weird but I find it therapeutic. Building towers is a great way to distract myself and get my mind off my thoughts and feelings, instead I think about what I'm building and very quickly my frustration levels lower and I feel better.
These are some of today's creations;


Building blocks are not just for kids.

Sickness aside, I feel incredibly tired. I feel run down and burnt out.

On a positive note, tomorrow is Friday which means I'm 1 day away from 4 days off! I have my nephew sleeping over and a family BBQ on Saturday and on Monday I have a date with my friend. It's my turn to plan our activities for Monday so I'm really excited! Ice Skating, Picnic in the park or Gold Class? Decision decisions.

I disagree

There is nothing worse then when you speak to someone and every word that comes out of their mouth makes you wonder how on earth they are still standing. Why hasn't someone slapped some sense into them? How on earth do they function?

It happens. Well, in my life it does.

I need to make it clear that I don't dislike these people. I simply disagree with them. They are generally the kind of people that push you for your opinion when they know you'll disagree and then find every possible way to 'educate' you and convince you that you are incorrect. They also tend to tell you that you have no right having an opinion on things you haven't directly experienced. It's infuriating.

Most recently I've dealt with a particular friend that has very strong parenting view. This normally doesn't bother me to much but she's taken things a little far now. I'm constantly asked my opinion on things, only to have things like "you're not a mother, you couldn't understand" or "you'll change your mind when your a parent" thrown in my face. I don't care about parenting views, I don't like to get involved with what people choose to do with their children and the choices they make as parents. But when someone asks my opinion, I'm going to tell them the truth. Why ask if you don't want the answer? I'm telling you what I think right here, right now. You know I don't have a child, so if you don't value the opinion of non-parents then why the hell are you pushing me to tell you what I think?

I've also found that a number of friends and I interpret things very differently. We'll read articles and I'll think one thing and they'll think another. More often then not our thoughts jump to completely different ends of the spectrum. Some people just jump on things and roll with them, no objective thinking at all. That bugs me. Why is it that people assume the worst in everything? If there are 3 ways of taking something, it seems most people choose the most offensive way.

That being said, I've never felt overwhelmingly compelled to advocate for anything. I'm the kind of person that simply accepts that people do what they want to do and I just do what I want to do. I don't feel the need to tell everyone that something is right or wrong, over and over and over again. There is a huge difference between making people feel bad and educating them. Why is this such a difficult concept to understand? it frustrates me. I'm not learning from you when you're making feel like a bad person. I'm actually less inclined to give a damn about what your talking about if you do it in an aggressive way. You catch more flies with honey and all that jazz.

Telling these people is even worse. Have you ever tried to tell someone that they are bothering you with their never ending opinion? It doesn't end well. Ever.

Now I know that I'm opinionated. I also know that people are going to accuse me of being a hypocrite. The fact is, I don't care if people agree with me. You might read this and think 'Yep! She's so right' or maybe you'll think 'She's an idiot'. The point is that I'm going to say this once, on my personal blog that's dedicated to expressing my opinion and then I'm going to let it go.

I think today is just one of 'those' days. You know the ones, they just make you want to scream at people and perpetuate your feelings of dislike of certain individuals.

Where have I heard that before?

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Life, you're a little much sometimes.

Today I cried for the first time in months. It was a million little things that suddenly became overwhelming all at the same time.

The past few months have been a little average and the last few weeks in particular have been busy and at times very stressful.

I've got a bit of a track record when it comes to stress and the consequences are always the same. So I'm feeling a bit down at the moment and that tends to lead to over thinking and a self defeatist attitude.

Unfortunately today I reached my breaking point.

Right now I'm sitting in a cafe having a white hot chocolate and thinking about how im going to write about the current workings of my mind. I'm here because I know if I'm at home the sound of silence will make things worse.

Aside from thinking about what I'm writing here, I'm also thinking about all the times I've said stupid things. All the words that have come out of my mouth that I wish I could take back and also the thoughts of the people I've said them to.  Do they think I'm weird? Are they avoiding me? Is my mouth the reason so many people dislike me? Maybe I shouldn't talk anymore.

I'm not going to stop talking, but I am going to limit the words that come out of my mouth for a while. Even words meant with best intentions can hurt and I don't want to be the one saying those things anymore.

I've also been struggling with infertility again. I can't help but think that maybe it's a good thing that I'm not a mother because who would want one like me? I quickly try and nip that feeling in the bud but it doesn't stop it from entering my mind all the time. Even now, writing it in this post the thought has made me tear up. Maybe I'm not enough just yet? If it's true that babies pick their parents then maybe none of them want me? I need to get better. I want to be wanted.

I have been keeping everything inside because I don't want to unload my crap on others. I've found that while I have friends, they are all at different points in their lives and busy with their own things. Unfortunately that's a bit of a catch 22 because now I just feel disconnected and a little left behind.

I don't know what it all means right now and I'm not sure what I'm going to do to make myself feel ok. What I do know is that this is just a day of weakness. I know that tomorrow is a new day and I know that that I need to push forward and leave today behind me.

Sunday, 25 August 2013

The morning after

I did it! 5km in 1 hour! We stopped to dance at each station, linked arms and skipped, cheered on the other teams and even had ego boost pit stops where we boosted eachother up! Go Rainbow Unicorns Go!

7 of the 10 Rainbow Unicorn team members!

Was it enjoyable? Yes! Would I do it again? No!

Alright, it was a wonderful night and we had heaps of fun but all the profit went to multinational sporting giant Puma. There were easily a thousand people and at $50 a pop, they made a wopping $50k! They do this in every capital city and its worked by volunteers. They own the equiptment and take it from state to state and also have 4 major sponsors. For an event that is supposed to promote fun and fitness, they provided only unheathy food options. Nothing says fitness like pancakes or waffles before a race and hot chips and burgers after.

If it was for charity I would do it again for sure, but to support a company with a multi billion dollar net worth - no thanks!

On the plus side, It was fun and the volunteers were fantastic at keeping everyone motivated. The whole event had a positive and happy feel to it and was generally a great atmosphere to be surrounded in.

This morning I'm feeling a little sore. My back is really sore, my feet hurt when I stand up and I think I've done some damage to my left foot. Ouch!

My ouch face

Aside from the recovery of yesterdays race, I'm also dealing with a husband who is attempting to recover data from our server that died at 3am. Both the main hard drive and the back up drive went bust! All my photos and documents were stored on it so I'm hoping he can recover them because otherwise it's all gone forever. All our music, movies, tv shows and media will have to be all manually put back on one cd at a time if he can't fix it.

Me and my first world problems.

Friday, 23 August 2013

Glow Steph Glow!

Tomorrow night a group of 10 people from work are participating in the Puma Glow Run. I am one of those lucky 10!

It's safe to say that I wasnt as keen as I could have been when I was asked to participate, so you can imagine how great I felt when I found out I'd been signed up while I was away and then asked to pay the money.

It took me a few weeks to get pumped up before I started training for it. Now by training I actually mean that I walked 5km one afternoon and thought "easy, I've got this". So now I'm sitting here the night before incredibly nervous and regretting the times I should have got off my butt and actually tried harder to prepare.

Nerves aside, I'm actually really excited. I really just want to go tomorrow with a positive attitude and just smash it!

I can do this. I'm sure I can... At the very least I have to try!

Why nightmares?

For the past 6 nights I've had horrible dreams ranging from 4 to 6 hours in length. Each morning I wake up scared,confused and upset.

My dreams have ranged from witnessing a murderous rampage as a bystander to attending a dry run funeral for a famous tv star whos wake ended up not having dessert due to an incompetent chef.

The most vivid nightmare was last night. I dreamed of my grandfather (he passed a way a few years ago) and he was so excited to see me. I was told that his old house was my parents neighbours house (they never lived there in reality) and the neighbours had a few items of clothing in the walls that belonged to him which they said I could have - I passed.

The worst part is the way I wake from these dreams. Some are semiconcious normal wake-up where I gently stir and wake. Others are like just opening my eyes with no transitional feeling, always makes me wonder if I've actually woken up or if it's still a dream.

It's about time I call the doctor I think. I'm not sure what he can do to help exactly, but I'm afraid that he'll just prescribe sleeping tablets and then I'll still have nightmares but they'll be harder to wake from.
Now, to try and go back to sleep or not? That is the question...

Image sourced via google

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Marriage - 2 years in!

Today is day 1 of our third year of marriage.

2 years ago yesterday, I married my best friend of 6.5 years! We've now been together 8.5 years (how time flys!) and we're only just starting to sort our lives out now.

We had a beautiful wedding, it had an orange and purple colour theme and we tried to keep it young and fresh whilst also keeping an elegant and traditional feel. We got married in my family church and had our reception at a local reception venue which also happened to be a renovated and repurposed church.

We had our photos in the CBD of our town. Our town has a lot of history and while it has had a number of upgrades, there are a lot of character features that we thought would be perfect. Some of the locations no longer exist due to development but we think that kind of makes them special.

A few little things went wrong prior to the wedding, including my sister dislocating her knee and ending up on crutches, my family fighting over who was going to attend because not all our relatives get along and a number of guests being unable to attend last minute, even though we had already paid for them! All seemed like such big deals at the time but now I just look back and laugh. 

My half sister gave me the best piece of advice, I have passed in on a few times and I will never forget it... 

"Don't worry about all the little things, if things don't go exactly to plan it doesn't matter. Your guest don't know how it was supposed to be, so they will simply enjoy themselves if you enjoy yourself". - Megan

It was a beautiful day, but marrying young (I was 21) was a challenge. I was only just starting to really figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I was in a contract job, we were living with my parents and I was so excited about the wedding, that I gave very little thought to the married life that was to follow.

I woke up the day after our wedding, walked onto the balcony and just burst into tears. My husband was asleep in the hotel room behind me and instead of being happy and wrapped up in the fuzzy feelings I expected as a newlywed, I was crying my eyes out.


I left our wedding feeling over the moon, simply elated! Even the awful Robbie Williams music in the limo didn't dampen my spirit. I was just totally and utterly overwhelmed with happiness that I was now married and that my best friend was now my husband. I was on top of the world! 

We checked into our hotel, went up to the room and ordered room service (We were starving!) and then just got into our PJ's and watched TV. The whole day was exhausting and we both just wanted to eat and go to sleep. 

Once Phil fell asleep, I started to feel sick. Over the next few hours I ended up having a massive panic attack that nearly ended up with a trip to the hospital. The whole overwhelming experience of planning a wedding had finally caught up with me and I really struggled with the fact that it was now officially over. I ended up calming myself down and then attempted to get a few hours sleep. It was 6am and I ran to the balcony to cry so I didn't wake up my new husband. I felt like a fool. I questioned myself and wondered if I'd made the right decision. The same thought swam through me head - Had I married for love or to have a wedding?

Needless to say, the first few days of our honeymoon were spent in our hotel room, me crying my eyes out and him wondering what on earth was so bad about our hotel room. I couldn't tell him what was going on. I wouldn't tell him.

A week later my friend got married. At the wedding I had a chance to catch up with some school friends and my bridesmaids and I quickly realised how silly I had been. In 20 minutes they'd really helped me understand what I was feeling. It wasn't that I made a mistake, it's that I took on everything and tried to do it all myself. I'd devoted almost 2 years of my life to planning this wedding and I was mourning the loss. It made so much sense when they said it. 

It made me think about how I would have done things differently and the kind of support person that I want to be when/if I'm asked to be part of a friends wedding.

My sister is now getting married in 2 years and I'm trying to make a real effort to make sure I'm involved and helpful without being over bearing. It's hard to find a balance between helpful and taking over sometimes though. I just don't want her to feel how I felt. It was really hard and it was not the ideal way to start a marriage.

So as a woman that has been married for 2 years, I have 3 pieces of advice;

1. Seek assistance with the wedding and don't let it get so overwhelming that it creates a memory that you'll regret years later.

2. "Don't worry about all the little things, if everything doesn't go exactly to plan it doesn't matter. Your guest don't know how it was supposed to be, so they will simply enjoy themselves if you enjoy yourself". - Megan

3. It's ok to want to talk to your girlfriends about serious things, but it's really important to keep the communication with your husband open and honest. If you can't communicate with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you probably shouldn't be marrying them! 

So that was my experience. Looking back now I know that I made the right decision. There are good times and bad times but I know everything will work out. As much as I dislike him some days, I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Monday, 12 August 2013

The other side of happy

It's easy to say that happiness is a choice. I've written before about how I choose to be happy and the beliefs & thoughts I have relating to happiness.

So what happens when the thoughts and feelings that you choose to ignore, start to build up? What happens when time alone is not enough to move on?

I find that my will to choose to be happy starts to waiver occasionally and when this happens I'm consumed with thoughts of how different my life could be. Sometimes when we choose to be happy, we also choose to forgo opportunity. 

Hindsight is an evil mistress who tempts the mind with a life unknown. 

Sometimes I wish my life was different, that I made better decisions and that I could go back and change some of the paths I embarked on when I was younger. 

It's never a good idea to dwell on what-ifs, there is no use in regretting things you're now unable to change. It isn't wise to mourn what isn't, when you could be celebrating what is.

When I feel I need to refocus and recharge, I do 1 of 2 things - I sit in the sunshine, listening to the sounds of nature. The wind in the trees, the birds in the sky and the leaves rusting on the grass. Or I find songs that relate to what I'm thinking about and I listen to the lyrics and remind myself that it's not just me who goes through these experiences, there are billions of people on this earth.

When its serious and these things don't work, I go to the beach. The sounds of the waves, the seagulls and the wind are instantly relaxing. The sun of my face and the sand under my toes makes me feel alive again.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is be alone. After all, the only person who's ever going to be there no matter what, is you. You are your own best friend and the person you can most rely on.

I'm writing this post as I watch the sun set on another beautiful day.