Monday, 14 October 2013

Standing Tall

Well this month has proven to be one of the hardest ones this year. We're only 14 days in but I'm already done with October.

I guess I wish it was November because I know that I won't feel the same as I do now in a few weeks time. Like all things, time is the only sure fire way to move past something. Time heals all wounds, or so they say.

So why has it been so difficult? Well, it appears that a number of people found an effective way to warm up during the winter and as a result there has been a mini boom in pregnancy announcements. By mini boom I actually only mean 4, but seeing as though they all  happen to be due within a week or so of each other, I think I can get away with calling it a boom. 

I think it's important to explain that I am not resentful or angry at these women, my feelings all stem from selfish frustration. Yep. I admit it. I feel like this because I'm selfish and a little bitter. Instead of being happy for them, I'm consumed with how I feel about it. I generally deal with these things really well, but 4 at once was a bit much.

I feel frustrated because I should have been next. 

Do I think these women will be great mothers? YES! 
Do I think they deserve to be happy? YES! 
Am I happy for them? YES! 
Am I jealous? YES!

So there it is. I'm jealous of these ladies and the wonderful gifts that god has given them. 

This isn't about fairness or anger, it's ultimately about feeling like a failure. I feel like a failure to myself, my husband and our parents. I feel like I'm not able to do what I should be able to and it's incredibly frustrating to see other people get what I want. Jealousy is a terrible feeling and something I feel awful about letting into my heart. I couldn't stop it this time, I tried but I couldn't do it.

I guess this whole baby thing is a bit like a row of skill testers, we each put in our $2 coin and we all have a chance of winning. Every one has a few go's and then they walk off with a prize, but I keep playing and every time my claw returns empty. 

Maybe it's more like a lottery? We all buy tickets every month and we all have an even chance of winning. I'm just waiting for my numbers to come up.

If there is one good things that comes out of this, it's the fact that I have a renewed appreciation of my friend Miss B. She's been amazing during the past few weeks and she's always told me what I've needed to hear instead of what she thinks I want to hear. She's my little voice of reason when I'm anything but rational. I'm really lucky to have her, she's a beautiful woman and a great friend.

I've also got to thank my wonderful husband for putting up with me and my frustration. I'm sure I'm not exactly the easiest person to deal with when I'm in my little moods but he's really stepped up and let me get it all out without judgement or too much frustration. 

On the 2 occasions that I was really upset about this, these two were on it straight away. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy that I have such a great little support network.

I know it must be difficult to be my friend sometimes. I often think about that. I'm at a point in my life where it seems like I need so much more from others then I'm able to give them in return, but I am always always always here for them and I really hope they know that. Always.

So I'm choosing to stand tall now and be happy. I'm letting the frustration and jealousy go because It's no good for my heart and I want to be excited and happy for the new additions that will be welcomed into the world in April/May next year. I'll get a few baby cuddles for my birthday in June and my Facebook will light up with photos of beautiful little people. How I can I be sad about that?

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