Some days are more difficult than others.

This afternoon was really difficult, for hours I sorted through all the baby things that we've accumulated over the past 3 years. Until today everything has been stored in large bags, so every year I sort through it to ensure that everything is still clean and that there are no issues with bugs or any other nasties.

Honestly, It's hard every year. I don't know why I expected it to be easier this year but I did. 4 items caught my attention today and I can't help but feel a bit emotional about all of it. 

When Phil & I first started talking seriously about having a baby, we were so excited and decided to mark the occasion by buying something that we would pass on to our baby once he or she arrived. On September 19th, 2010 we bought an orange octopus that plays different sounds when you squeeze It's legs. Over the years we've bought numerous items and nursery accessories to fit a sea theme in order to centre around the octopus. We had big dreams but we've got empty arms.

A year passed and still no baby. It was ok because we were newlyweds and my dress wouldn't have been suitable for a bump anyway. On our honeymoon we bought a rainbow pram blanket from the Salamanca Markets in Hobart, Tasmania. It was the start of our new lives together and we were getting ready to move out of my parents house. Things were looking up and we thought that maybe 2012 would be the year we finally had our baby. 

Another year passed and still no baby. When the opportunity came up, I couldn't help myself and I bought a NSW State of Origin nappy. Sadly, parenthood wasn't on the cards for us that year.

Yet another year passed and again, no baby. We did buy a cute little shirt that year though. The shirt says "Does not compute" and as soon as we saw it we knew we had to have it. Phil's life is computers so it just seemed perfect.

We are now in our 4th year and won't be buying anything for Baby Schneider because this year I'm working really hard at letting it go and accepting that maybe parenthood isn't in our immediate future.

Lets face it, I don't even know where to begin sorting out the emotional mess that exists in my heart.

Tomorrow we're packing everything up into proper airtight storage containers and making space for it in the garage with the rest of our junk. There won't be any need to sort through it again and there will be no new additions. It'll just be 4 boxes of stuff sitting in the garage.