Tuesday, 1 October 2013

I surrender but I'll be ok

I surrender. I haven't quit, I've just ceased resistance against something that I have no control over. I can't fight anymore. Instead, I'm going to let the uncontrollable forces do what they will and learn to deal with the result. 

Sourced via Google

I'm not going to lie, it feels a bit like giving up. Either way, the result is the same - disappointment.

I think it's true that no matter how much your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, your dreams will come true. So I will continue to believe and hope, but I will not fight. The fight is only ultimately against myself and I can't keep hating myself for something I can't change. I'm going to work harder at creating a better me, but not because I have to, not for Baby Schneider, not for my family or my friends or because anyone thinks I should. I'm going to do it for me because I want to. I need to be the best person I can be simply for me, not for anyone else. Just for me.

If there is one thing I've learnt from this whole experience, it's that no matter how much your heart breaks, no matter how much it feels so sore you can't breathe, the world won't stop to acknowledge it. life goes on.

The self loathing needs to end. No amount of hate is going to make this process any better. I need to work at forgiving myself and shaping a better mind and body for my life.

I'm so so sorry Baby Schneider, it feels like I'm giving up on you but I promise I'm not. I'm going to make myself better and let you decide when the time is right instead of pushing myself and hating myself for the fact that you're not here. I have no real control over you. All you need to know is that your future Mummy and Daddy love you very much and we're ready when you're ready. We want you more than we've ever wanted anything, but we'll wait and we'll keep hoping and believing that when the time is right, you'll come to us. 

So for now I surrender. For now I'm putting down my weapons and I'm going to use my effort to make myself a better person. I'm so consumed by hate and anger and I can't carry on like this. I won't let these feelings win. I am so much more then a mother in waiting. My self worth can't be solely based on my ability to create life. I want to be a great person.

I will be a great person.

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