Sunday, 8 September 2013

Depression in words.

The only person you've ever fully connected to is gone and you feel disconnected from the only other person who's supposed to understand you. He just doesn't understand and you're not sure he ever will. You can't blame him though. He didn't sign up for this. But then again, neither did you.

You feel like you're floating in the ocean but no matter how much effort you put into swimming to shore, it just doesn't get any closer. You feel alone and tired.

The problem is that you're starting to sink again, you can feel it. You're aware of it but you're struggling to find a way to signal for help. Pride and determination rip the words please help me from your vocabulary, you wonder how you're going to signal a life boat.

When you do try and speak, the words don't come out, its frustrating. You want to say how you feel and let it go but instead you say you're ok. It's just easier that way. People see a change in you but they don't know what to do, so they do nothing. It's just as well, you don't want your words thrown back at you later anyway. Lets face it, they prefer it when you're down. They know you'll be fine, you always are. It's the same story over and over.

Friends dissapear, you're just being stupid again. They've had enough of you. You're negative, you don't even try. You choose to feel this way. There is always drama when you're around. They have no idea. But it's not their problem so they back away. Someone else will help you won't they? You wonder why you feel so disconnected. There's your answer.

You can't sleep and you cry at night. You wish you had just one person you could confide in. You want to be listened to. You talk constantly but no one ever really hears you. You want to find a person who believes in you and understands you, someone who you can be honest with. You don't need an opinion or judgement, you just need to be heard and to be supported and encouraged to get better. Everyone else seems to have that one person that they connect with, so why not you? Is it because you're not good enough?

The thoughts of inadequacy start to conume you again. You're never going to be good enough are you? You're always going to be a failure.

You're getting in too deep again. You knew this would happen. It's just a war against yourself. Will anyone notice this time? You don't hold your breath.

It's always you. You know you're the only person who will tread the water.

It's not suprising that you dislike people. You give so much and get so little in return. You've given so much of yourself to others that you're not even sure who you are anymore. You just know that the core is empty and struggling.

You blame everyone else, but you know it's all your fault. Thats what they tell you anyway. You can't give up. You won't.

You'll be ok, you always are.

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