I often find myself torn between planning for the future and living in the moment. I'm a massive planner, I need to feel like I have control over things in order to function. The unpredictable side of life holds my biggest fears. I don't trust easily and I don't possess nearly as much faith as I should.
I constantly wonder about various aspects of my life. I feel stuck in a holding pattern but I haven't got a clue what I'm waiting for. Do you ever feel like that? It's like waiting for a train without knowing the timetable, it's on its way, but who know how long you'll have to wait?
What I lack in faith and patience, I make up in passion. I'm an incredibly passionate person. If I find something I love, I throw myself into it full force and both feet at the same time. I must admit, this gets me into trouble. I guess the point is that I'm a bit of a all or nothing kind of girl.
At this point in my life, my biggest worry is my job. I love my job, I love the people and I really love that I only have to go for 3 days a week. What I don't love is the fact that I feel unmotivated. I feel comfortable and I don't like that. The person I used to be wasn't a settler. I used to fight until I got what I wanted. I used to throw caution to the wind and take chances. Now I do what I do to get by. No chances, no excitement, no passion, just the same thing every day.
I want more. I want to be passionate again. I want to do something I love and I want to throw myself into it with reckless abandonment. I want to know that I'm working for something that benefits the world. I want to help the world and I want to do it now.
It's hard having big dreams and very little ability to achieve them. I'll get there though, even if it takes me the next 10 years. I'm going to do something I love. I'm going to make a difference.