Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Life, you're a little much sometimes.

Today I cried for the first time in months. It was a million little things that suddenly became overwhelming all at the same time.

The past few months have been a little average and the last few weeks in particular have been busy and at times very stressful.

I've got a bit of a track record when it comes to stress and the consequences are always the same. So I'm feeling a bit down at the moment and that tends to lead to over thinking and a self defeatist attitude.

Unfortunately today I reached my breaking point.

Right now I'm sitting in a cafe having a white hot chocolate and thinking about how im going to write about the current workings of my mind. I'm here because I know if I'm at home the sound of silence will make things worse.

Aside from thinking about what I'm writing here, I'm also thinking about all the times I've said stupid things. All the words that have come out of my mouth that I wish I could take back and also the thoughts of the people I've said them to.  Do they think I'm weird? Are they avoiding me? Is my mouth the reason so many people dislike me? Maybe I shouldn't talk anymore.

I'm not going to stop talking, but I am going to limit the words that come out of my mouth for a while. Even words meant with best intentions can hurt and I don't want to be the one saying those things anymore.

I've also been struggling with infertility again. I can't help but think that maybe it's a good thing that I'm not a mother because who would want one like me? I quickly try and nip that feeling in the bud but it doesn't stop it from entering my mind all the time. Even now, writing it in this post the thought has made me tear up. Maybe I'm not enough just yet? If it's true that babies pick their parents then maybe none of them want me? I need to get better. I want to be wanted.

I have been keeping everything inside because I don't want to unload my crap on others. I've found that while I have friends, they are all at different points in their lives and busy with their own things. Unfortunately that's a bit of a catch 22 because now I just feel disconnected and a little left behind.

I don't know what it all means right now and I'm not sure what I'm going to do to make myself feel ok. What I do know is that this is just a day of weakness. I know that tomorrow is a new day and I know that that I need to push forward and leave today behind me.

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