Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Like a puzzle

The past week has left me tired and emotional. Every so often I feel like everything is a but too much all at once. The days drag out and the nights pass by in a flash. I can't sleep, I don't eat and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

This week is one of those weeks. I feel like no matter what I do, I just can't do anything right. I can't make my body function correctly, I can't be the wife my husband deserves, I can't be the friend my friends expect me to be, I can't be the coworker my team needs me to be and I can't find a balance. Everything just seems upside down and back to front.

It's not "I can't" forever, it's just "I can't" right now. At this point in my life I can't be the person who always sees the positive, I can't be the friend I used to be, I can't be the woman my husband fell in love with... and it hurts. It eats at me and I feel like a failure.

My strength is gone. The ability to plaster on a smile has faded and my eyes feel heavy. I need to recharge. I need to escape from expectation, but most of all i need the people in my life to understand that this isn't me. This isn't the real me.

I want to rewind time and be back at the place in my life where life was fun and I loved being me. Where I could hang out with my friends all night and go on dates with my husband without worrying about when my anxiety was going to kick in. I miss myself. I miss the girl I was.

I don't want to sit in bed and cry because I don't like who I've become. I don't want to be this person, the person who knows they are so much better then who they are right now.

I'm at a low point. I can feel myself withdrawing and it makes me feel guilty. I feel like it's unfair on everyone else but they don't seem to see how much it effects me. How much it hurts me to be the way I am and the pressure I put on myself to try and make this easier for them. I'm trying so hard to get back to normal and I can't. Not right now.

I can't understand what's wrong with me and thats incredibly frustrating because it means that I don't know how to fix myself.

I feel like a puzzle with a piece missing. You can see the whole image but the missing piece annoys you. If only you could find the missing piece, the puzzle would be so beautiful if it was complete. The way you remember it. The way it's supposed to be. The way everyone expects it to be.

I want to be this person. I wish it was as easy as deciding that as of tomorrow I'm going to be better and everything will just disappear. I've tried, believe me I've tried.

So for today, I just feel tired and emotional. But tomorrow I'm just going to have to try again. And the next day I'll try again. One day at a time until things get better, no matter how long that takes.

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