Friday, 17 January 2014

Take me back

It's hard not to reconsider what you're doing with your life when you're stuck in bed for 3 days.

I've had approx 8 hours sleep, I've lost 6kgs due to my inability to eat properly and I look like I've seen a ghost. That's what anaemia and hormone deficiency does to you. It makes you sick. Add a viral infection to that and you've described the better part of my week.

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the hormone issues. The hormone deficiency is causing my uterus to strip away the blood vessels from it's wall. Painful is an understatement. Not only that, but it's a 'suck it up princess' situation because painkillers aren't an option due to their blood thinning qualities. Handy.

So while I sit and wait for the hormone supplements to take effect, I've been thinking about our journey to parenthood and also our life journey just generally. I have 3 words to sum it up - Take me back.

Take me back to the time when I was just beginning to fall head over heels in love, the feeling of being surprised with flowers or that feeling of butterflies in my tummy as I waited for his car to pull up.

Take me back to when love wasn't needing him to hold me as I cry at night and watching him try and hold back his tears because he can't do anything to help.

Take me back to the time when I went to movies, ate overpriced meals, hung out with my friends on weekends and when I was 'fun' to be around.

Take me back to before the light in me was blown out, back before the depression and anxiety took hold.

Take me back to the night he looked so worried and nervous, the night he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. The night I thought all my dreams had come true and I got even more excited about our lives together.

Take me back to I was the girl that was blissfully unaware that her happily ever after was going to be a journey that required so much more than love and desire.

Over the past year I've watched my friends and even my sister get engaged and I can't help but wish I was back at that part of my life too. I want to be back in the time where love was the driving force in everything we did.  Back when happiness was more then having a good day or celebrating an anxiety milestone.

But you can't go back can you. You can dream about it, cry about it and even write blog posts about it, but you can't time travel.  You can't take any of it back.

You can only tell him you're sorry a million times.

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