Monday, 22 July 2013

Finding the positive

A few posts ago I talked about infertility and the fact that I had a story about my own journey to parenthood that I was unwilling to share at this time. While I'm still not keen on sharing, I would like to write about the positive impact that infertility has had on my life. Who knew that the words infertility and positive could ever be used in the same sentence? But, for me they can.

The biggest positive has been the strengthening of my relationship with my husband. Don't get me wrong he still gets on my nerves from time to time, but during this whole experience I've learnt that his love for me is deep and sincere, he loves me with all that he has and I know that no matter what happens in our life together he'll always be my biggest support and protector. There were times that I thought he would leave, there were times that I asked him to, but here we are standing tall and fighting together. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. There is no doubt in my mind that I have married the perfect partner in life and my best friend.

Another positive has been the time we've had to wait. We started trying when I was very young and whilst it didn't feel like a big deal at the time, I feel that I'm in a much better place now, because I have grown and become such a different person because of this experience. I'm more mentally and physically prepared and ready for parenthood at this point in my life then I have been previously. I think I would have been a good parent back then, but I know I'll be a better parent now.

When I think about the ways that infertility has affected my life, I can't help but feel that maybe things truly only happen when they are supposed to. Through the whole journey, I've not only grown and changed as a person but I've learnt a lot about myself.

The following poem gives me hope and sums up mostly how I feel; 

Thoughts Of Becoming A Mother 

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbour, a friend and sister because I have known this pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have fought through the fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs,

I listen,

because even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learnt the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten, as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learnt a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learnt to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful person.

 - unknown.

Now I know that this poem might initially offend some people, but it's not in any way meant to invalidate the love of people who conceived their children easily. It's one of those things that can't be explained even when you've experienced it. I wish I could explain it but I can't. I feel it though. 
The whole point of this post is to highlight that with every negative experience, it's possible to find a silver lining if you're willing to look for it.

Image sourced via Google.

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