Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Growing up stinks!

As a child, I thought that I would grow up to be either a Hairdresser, a Singer or a Teacher.  I wanted to help people, I didn't think to much about how I would help them, just that it's what I wanted to do for a job.

As it turns out, I didn't end up doing any of those things. Straight out of school I enrolled in Teaching, but I got disheartened when people told me that it was a rubbish career that involved long hours and unfair pay. Bottom line, I was told that I'd regret my decision and hate my job.

Being my stubborn self, I decided that I was going to do it anyway and they were right. I hated it before I'd even finished a semester. I hated that I was supposed to learn about the difference between the words Modernism and modernism, I hated the fact that I felt bored in most of my classes. I hated everything, except the social science and psychology subjects. So I quit.

I changed to Human Service and then again to Nursing. I didn't get more then 2 subject through before I quit all together. I was young, I didn't know what I wanted. All I knew was that I wasn't going to waste 4 years studying and paying for a degree that landed me in a career I didn't want. So I got a job.

5 years later I'm still working for the same company. I'm 23 years old and I'm stuck in a job that I like, but I'm not doing the 1 thing I wanted to do with my life - help people.

I've tried to find happiness and fulfilment in my current job and the fact that it provides me with both financial and social rewards. I've tried to convince myself that the passion I think I'll find by changing paths is only an assumption. I've tried to rationalise everything and make it a logical decision, but I'm not sure I trust myself to be true to myself.

Truth be told, I've felt a bit lost for the past few years. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I just knew that I needed to make a decision soon or it would be too late. It took a metal breakdown, depression and string of personal circumstances/experiences to get me to a place where I could say - I want to be a Psychologist.

So now I'm at a cross roads. Do I stick with the job I've currently got, apply for a Full time position and be happy with the fact that it pays well, it's got great benefits and it'll provide me with the opportunity to build my dream home, have my much wanted baby and live rather comfortably or do I stay part-time and throw myself into study and become a Psychologist?

That's all well and good though isn't it, knowing what I want. But what about when my ability to make decisions no longer relies on my thoughts and actions, but the thoughts of my husband as well? How do I try and find a middle ground when I know that I won't be happy unless I do what I want?

I'm really lucky to be where I am, I know that.

I also know that at some point I need to make the decision to either stay where I am and settle down, or to throw caution to the wind and convince my husband to either jump into the next few hectic years with me or to let me do it on my own. I've only got 6 months to make a decision. I can't keep running from this and pretending I'll deal with it later.

When did life become so complicated?

Image sourced via google

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